My Family and my Faith
This post is going to be hard for me to write. Like many things lately, I am opening my heart and life and being 100% honest with you all. Sometimes I feel vulnerable when I do this and this is one of those times. It is a tough decision whether this belongs here or Faith Filled Wives blog. It is part about my marriage, part about my children and mostly about me.
I have been very depressed lately. I gave you a glimpse into that insight when I published “The Pit”. Well, here is more on that story.
I have been out of whack for a while. I quit going to church. I quit blogging. I quit talking to my friends. I just quit. The more things I quit, the more depressed I became. When I struggle, I tend to want to struggle alone. I do not want to be “Eeyore” to every one.
This past Saturday, I promised my sister I would go to church on Sunday. I got up Sunday morning, and got ready to go. The entire time, I was dreading going. I just did not want to go.
On the way there, I asked God what happened. Why was I so reluctant to go? I could come up with a million excuses not to go to church. He gave me a revelation and I have been meditating upon that for a few days. You see, I live in a house with three others, who all claim to be Christians. There is no sign of the Holy Spirit in them.
Sure Moosey goes to church every Wednesday. I have met some of the people that he goes to church with and let me tell you, I am not so sure about what goes on at church. He is going on a mission trip to Seattle next month. I am really hoping that this experience will open his eyes about his walk with the Lord.
I was there when Boog accepted Christ as his savior. I saw the change in him. However, in a spiritually mismatched home, the presence of the Lord does not always shine as it should. He has fallen away from the bright eyed believer he once was.
My Beloved claims to be a Christian, but his actions, vocabulary and taste in media make me wonder. I have always wondered, but if you have followed my story this far, you know that.
It is hard to walk with the Lord always. It is even more hard to walk with Him when the people you love the most do not. I fell away from my walk with Him, to walk with my family. I will never witness to them about God’s amazing love that way.
I feel so confused. You see, if I would have become a believer when my kids were young, I could have taken them to church and it would be a habit that was ingrained in them. As it is, they go when they want to, not every Sunday. Since I go by myself 90% of the time, I do not always go. I tend to spend time at home, instead, and be with my family.
God has reminded me that I have to be me, not who they want me to be, but who I am, in Christ. I cannot hide my faith. I cannot hide my faith behind my family. It does not matter if they walk with Him or not. If I hide my faith from them, then what am I doing? It makes it look like I am ashamed of my faith. I am not. It is just easier to do what they do.
No one ever said being a Christian in an non-Christian home would be easy. I am the mother though and it is time for me to set His tone for the home. It is time for me to get the kids in church on Sunday mornings. It is time for me to say my prayers in front of them. It is time for me to say “No, I will not watch that show with you.”
It is time for me to be the faith filled wife, mother, sister and friend that I really am. I have struggled with this for too long. It is God’s will that I am that person, and to know God’s will and not do it, is a sin. Plain and simple. **The power of writing, unconfessed sin is revealed that I may confess and repent of it. Thank you, God.**
June 6th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I understand your struggle. Far too often I let myself wander away and it’s hard to come back when it seems everyone else has also wandered away.
I think I’ve told you that I also struggle with manic depression. It’s so easy to isolate. I’m so glad you were able to unload here. God bless you as you get back on that narrow road.