Toxic People

So this weeks article is to talk about a sensitive subject that has actually been effecting me as well….

TOXIC PEOPLE

Therapists and doctors have been telling their patients that in order to eliminate stress, cutting a toxic person out of your life will beneficially help your life and happiness. If someone doesn’t value you, support you or treat you with respect, it is okay to walk away from that person.

But what if that toxic person is your family? One of the main people we would never really think of as toxic is our family. But I am here to tell you that just because they share the same blood, doesn’t mean that they have to be a part of your life.

Research shows that a lot of trauma stems from childhood and family related issues. No matter how much you love them, toxic people are not good for your mental or emotional health. A toxic person never lets things go, can’t move forward, they bully and they lie. They also intimidate, create drama, play the victim and act out of fear and insecurity.

Family is determined more by behavior and not by blood. Blood is not thicker than peace of mind. Blood only makes you related, but loyalty is what makes you family.

Cutting people off doesn’t have limits. We can still love from afar. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to talk to them, hang out with them or necessarily be in their life 24/7. You could just be serving as your families scapegoat. A scapegoat means you are made responsible for family issues, disagreements and conflicts, even when they occur as a result form other members. When I say “you are made responsible,” it doesn’t mean that your family member is blaming you for what happened. It means that your family member is putting all the negativity of the situation on you to hold as a burden for them. Some people call to “vent” to someone that they feel will listen. But venting is different than telling all details, gossip and past irrelevant, harmful events to another member to share with holding the negative event or memory. The people in your life should be a source of reducing stress not the cause of it. Holding such hurtful events for others will heighten stress levels. Humans were not created to be able to bear such painful events.

Cutting toxic family or people in general out of your life will at first feel miserable. It will make you feel guilty because for so long you have been catering to those that you love the most. It is your family after all right? NO. It will be like going cold turkey from a medication. They are side effects but in the end your body and your brain will thank you for it because the toxicity will finally be out of your system for good. We are told to love people and family unconditionally. But sometimes we have to remove them unconditionally. Don’t let the toxic eek through your resolve to heal yourself and remove the unhealthy hurtfulness.

The other thing is that you do not necessarily have to show forgiveness to someone who is abusive to you or shows no empathy or remorse. Forgiveness, at times, is saying that it is okay that that person did something to you. Forgiveness is something you give when you want to make the abuser feel better about what they did to you. The only thing you need to do is find acceptance in knowing that it did happen and therefore not let it happen again. Accepting is like saying “it is what it is.” It is knowing that they will never change or that this is how it will always be. The line between forgiveness and acceptance is where you will find ultimate healing. After you have found your acceptance in your families ways, do not become tolerant of them. Accepting is completely different than tolerating. When you tolerate their ways, it is telling them that it is okay for them to keep treating you that certain way. I know this may be confusing but take a second and mediate on this little paragraph. To sum it up… Accept the situation and know that it happened. Do not become tolerant of actions or emotions that a person is trying to inflict on you and keep letting it happen. Walk away, cut out the toxicity and know that you do not have to forgive to make others feel better about what they did to you, only accept that it happened and move forward.

Family is the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what. Realize that some people can stay in your heart forever but they don’t have to be in your life.