Easy to be Left- August 27, 2018
Have you ever been easy to walk away from?
Because you're not enough or not what someone wants you to be.
I dont know who I am, I admit.
All I know is that I'm a creative person that loves too deeply and too much.
I've tried turning it off, not caring, not loving.
Then it hurts even more because I'm not myself.
I want to fix things, fix people, create happiness, be loved and love others so they never have any doubt.
When I fail, my world crumbles.
My heart breaks and I lose my way.
Bruised Lips, Bleeding Heart- August 27, 2018
All your colors taste expensive
But your black and blue has the sweetest flavor
Bleeding pure seduction
It tastes so cruel
Never Enough- July 29, 2018
Nothing is ever good enough
Mycaela do more
I need you to do this
I need a favor
I want you here
You need to be here
I want you but just not right now
I only need you when its convenient for me
You aren't giving me enough
I want more
You need to put me first
We need you here doing this
You can't do that
Be an adult
We don't approve
Do your own thing
I'll only be around when I need you
You need to try harder
Nothing is EVER enough
Stuck between making others happy and providing for them
And sacrificing my sanity and happiness
Demanding too much
I can only try so hard
Improve where I can and when I can
I can't make everyone happy
I'm not even happy
I'll just disappoint no matter what I do
Just who do I let down?
Burned Inside of Me- June 12, 2018
I gathered everything together
Shirts and sweaters
Jewelry
Printed Pictures
Letters
Poems
I went to our spot
Piled it all in a heap and lit it a flame
I watched it burn with anger in my eyes
The blue of my irises reflecting the fire
Some of it refused to melt
So I had to leave it smoldering and smoking there in the middle of everything
Middle of my heart and mind
A permanent black spot to stain the ground we shared
Now its all burned as just an image in my mind
I had to leave just as you left me
All fire inside left to sputter out and die on its own
And as I left I heard the sirens coming for me
I Am A Liar- April 12, 2018
I have to tell you a secret,
I lied to you...
It wasn't freshman year that
I fell in love with you.
I looked at you in that hospital bed
Fed you ice cubes by hand
grateful that you were still alive bickering with me and
hassling me like always.
I lied.
I did not love you then.
Driving to college.
One of our songs played on repeat and my heart felt like it was on fire.
Your face crowded the recesses of my mind.
I thought of your lips.
I could almost taste them.
I shook my head and told myself out loud,
NO.
But I couldn't stop seeing your lips in my mind.
I wondered
I longed to know what they felt like.
But I screamed, NO.
People driving next to me on the way
to class must of thought I was crazy
as they watched me talking myself out of thinking about you.
Graduation.
Driving in your mom's red scion FRS
Our friends party,
you took me out to eat after.
I was starving,
tipsy from the alcohol I snuck in my purse and
refused to share.
Driving the lit street of downtown with the windows down.
Music thumping.
The vibration I felt wasn't coming from the stereo system
The warmth in my heart,
I took a second to think what it would be like to be yours.
I stole a moment to pretend,
it was like no other feeling.
I looked over with the biggest smile I've ever seen from you.
You were proud.
I wanted to reach over and touch you,
I sat looking out the window smiling
at the people we drove by.
Strangers that didn't know we were just friends.
I never said anything.
I lied then too.
It felt too good to just sit next to you.
I pretended I was yours in those few moments.
It felt true.
I stashed those feelings away.
I lied.
I love you then.
I lied.
I love you still.
Country Singing Numb- April 6, 2018
I had this sudden urge the other night to turn on my favorite country music and sing as loud as I wanted to the twangy beat.
I had a yearning to have someone beside me as I sang like an animal being strangled.
I can't sing for the life of me but I wanted someone who would tease me and tell me to shut up.
But no one did.
So I kept singing...
"And it, struck a nerve
And it, hit a vein
You'd think from all the tears I cried
And this broken-hearted pain..."
Childhood favorite, Toby Keith, blaring through my blown speakers of my beat up little Volkswagen beetle.
It made me think...
I realized my emptiness and I felt nothing.
No anger
No sadness
Just numb.
So I kept singing to feel something.
Anything.
At least a scratch in my throat from screaming the lyrics...
All I felt was...
Something missing
Ride of Revenge- April 4, 2018
I'm tired of this carousel
Force me onto drops
My stomach falling beneath me and my heart coming out of my chest
The adrenaline of falling in love
Always a chase
Always a ride
But can you stick it out through the twists and turns?
Your vertigo an excuse for not sticking it through the scary parts
You get off in the middle of the ride
And now something will break and it won't be me this time
Demons Become You- April 2, 2018
Never tame your demons, always keep them on a leash
Make love to my wounds, the ones you dug your knife into
I don't know who you are anymore
The monsters are clawing at us from the corners of our dark room
They want to get at my throat
Spill out my love
Wrench it away from me
I thought it was us against the world
Ask the dispatcher who would be best to send to my rescue
Someone to repair?
A hero?
Someone to ease my pain?
Someone to medicate me with passion?
Take away my nightmares and call this a dream
The demons inside you have not become you... yet
Defeat them
Return to who you were
Same Suns, Different People- March 23, 2018
You love sunrises.
I fall in love with sunsets.
We are too very different people
but a whole day would not be complete without
both the rising and the setting.
They need each other no matter
how many colors might differ.
A compliment to each other.
There will always be a rainstorm or some sunshine
in between.
But no matter what...
The sun always shows it's true colors
once again.
It's all timing and perspective.
Last?-February 10, 2018
He couldn't lose her again
So he had to let her go
He had to shut off all his emotions and build
a wall around himself again
No one could ever touch him like she could
He never planned out his life with anyone else before
He knew that the pain
would be temporary
Fate had a funny way of always bringing
her back to him
One way or another
He left her
with one last kiss
He could taste the salt of her tears
on her lips as she hung on and clasped
his face in both of her little hands
That was all she asked for last
as he sped away he hated
himself for leaving her there
in her little car with her face on the steering wheel sobbing
The mascara that has stained his shirts many times
now only staining her pants as it rolled
down her cheeks and onto her own lap
He never wanted to cause her pain
It made him hurt deeply inside to know
that he was a part of her sorrow
But to hold on would slowly kill him again
He needed a clean break
until there was a chance again
A chance that fate will work it's magic again
Will she be the same?
Will he?
Will there be a place in his heart once again?
Will she have to slowly break down his walls again?
Will there be someone else?
Will he accept her?
Will he want her as much as the last time?
Only time will tell, so he had to let her go...
for now.
Memory is a Curse- February 18, 2018
His curse was his impeccable memory
He used to hate how he couldn't forget things
Memories and things people told him used to haunt him and make him bitter
He didn't want to remember that painful detail
He didn't want to remember that disgusting thing that hurt the people he cared about
But now...
She hopes that he will think of her on those days when he was supposed to remember
When he made promises the year before for the year to come
When the day comes and they aren't together as promised
When a memory flickers past through a smell
A taste
A touch
A sound
A mind is a blessing and a curse
One that can bring together or pull apart
One that can make someone hurt or love
One that hopefully has the power to unite
Whisky Flames- January 1, 2018
Cold whisky in hand
My fingertips are aching
The ice cubes slowly melting
The clink against the short ribbed rock glass
Crystal seems to keep everything cool
Indian style cross-legged staring into the fire pit that I keep feeding with branches from the backyard
Keep It from smoking
It burns my eyes
What's burning more is the image of you
Feed the fire
Keep it aflame
Burning in my brain
Eyes fixed on the orange and yellow flames
I switch to wine and the image
of you changes
My face close to the flame stays toasty
My lips still stay cold
The wine leaking through and coating my palate with a woody flavored red purple stain
on my teeth
It's just me and the glass in my hand
And the flame with the image of you smoking in the distance
Whisping through the air
Just an arms reach away as the wind carries you away
Breathe For Me- December 31, 2017
It's so easy to blow out a flame
It's so simple to dust away the ashes that remain
It's effortless to sit and watch the embers sizzle and burn
They crackle and glow
Open to touch
The red glimmer appealing to the eye
A dangerous beauty
A flick of a match
Everything can start again
A little oxygen and the fire starts
Breathe for me
Start the glow in my chest
A burning heart
Flickering
Steady
Ablaze
I Am Sputtering- December 31, 2017
Absentmindedly staring at the flame
Watching the fire dance around a charred log soaked in lighter fluid
A crackle and burst of embers here and there
The little glowing specks leap from the pit to freedom
A cold hard ground
The chilled wood deck
Sputters to nothing
As soon as it's out
The warmth is gone
A tired fire
I keep turning the log to light a better side
Drench it in fluid to watch it go aflame
It only lasts so long
Until once again
I go cold...
I Beg You to Burn With Me- December 31, 2017
The smoke billows and billows
The cool breeze carrying it away
I keep trying to light you
But you refuse to burn
Your embers have gone cold
Charred inside and out
How many more times can I pour the fluid to light you again?
Stoke the fire
Ask it to burn
Burn bright and warm me again
I beg of you
Trapped in a Snowglobe- December 15, 2017
Merging the ballerina on the jewelry box with the little person in the snow globe, this is me.
Dancing to my own beat, twirling in my own little circle, but not going anywhere.
The snow is falling all around me, a fresh coat every day. A little song to cheer me up and wind my gears.
But as soon as the fake little flurries settle to the plastic earth around me,
my globe is tipped upside down and shaken up. Passed from one hand to another, controlled for how long
I twirl and when I twirl. Controlled with who holds my globe and marvels at it. How I feel bad for the little pocket of
air that is trapped at the tippy top of my see- through sphere. It bobs from one side of the sphere to the other
and slides back and forth over the surface that it is allowed to be close to. It has the ability to see the edge of things and
get close to translucent freedom. But the glass barrier keeps us all in. My little bit of snow, the water that surrounds me
and I'm stuck on this perch twirling in endless controlled circles. I hope one day someone drops my globe and lets
it shatter to the hard floor. I'll gather all my pieces, sweep up my fake white flurries and twirl into another open sphere.
But for now, I'm trapped in a snow globe on display for all my mistakes and made to do as my handlers want of me,
the same little twirling circle, on the same gears wound by them that hold the key to my freedom from this glass hell.
Not Allowed to be an Adult- December 15, 2017
I am the age of an adult,
but I live at home.
I have my personal things,
but you stole my printed memories.
I have free will,
but you decide what I should and shouldn't keep.
I have my few friends,
but only a few you approve of.
I can go where I want and when I want,
but not without questions and proof.
I know I have made mistakes,
but now you turn me into a child.
Surveillance like 1984,
laws like the police,
control like the government,
I am trapped with no where to go.
I cannot leave on my own.
An endless cycle.
I have no life besides what you want me to do.
This isn't easy.
I know,
it won't ever be easy to do what is right.
I want the helping hand,
but the ability to do it on my own without
the micromanagement.
Not allowed to feel.
It's always wrong.
I don't know who I am.
I know who I want to be.
But all your new pressure and disappointment is killing me.
This is only the beginning.
Appreciative but resentful.
I cannot help these things that are coursing through me.
Trading one form of control for another.
When will I ever be able to live a day without the constant need
to please,
to prove,
to make- up for,
the gain understanding,
to show truth?
This is what it's like to be an adult??
Hell.
Good Consideration- September 5, 2017
She will sell houses to happy
couples to new
families to first
beginnings. She studies to make others
happy and help them start their own
lives. She will accept valuable consideration in her
contracts. In the meeting of minds she will have sellers and
buyers sign on the dotted line. But what she really yearns for is
good consideration. A promise that can't be measured in terms
of counted money. Much rather, love and affection. Not just anyone can
sign on her dotted line. She gave the pen to him and he started
with the first few curves in the first letters of his name. The pen is still laying on the desk, the line is partially written on. She just needs the payment.
We Built a Home- September 4, 2017
If it wasn't for her, this house would probably rot;
this house that has been made into a home. A home
that has been abandoned by you. Abandoned
arms that have been left open, the pillows falling
apart at the seams. We laughed and bickered that there
are too many pillows. But yet, there was no enough comfort to keep
you here. No amount of pictures to suffice the happy memories that you
have wanted to erase and leave behind. No amount of writing kept in
to revisit past conversations that mean worlds to her.
She lights up the rooms with "twinkles" just to keep the darkness
out of her head and light the way home to her.
She sprays the air with the scents that bring you home to her nose and keep you in her flashbacks of true time.
This home is rotting and you have the hammer and nails to fix it. There are holes in the ground
of her heart. There are rips in the
pieces of her soul. This house, this home
can still be a home. Will you come
home to her or will you
abandon this house we built with our hands and our hearts in the foundation?
Don’t Be True- September 4, 2017
I swear this is all a nightmare.
I know what I've seen and experienced and none of it adds up.
I keep hearing all these things and I want to deny all of it.
It's a sham, it's rumors, it's lies.
Let's just sweep it under the rug because that's not the person I know.
I can't take this reality that keeps coming crashing down on me.
It's not fair.
I want to wake up in the morning and it all be back to normal.
All of it should be a lie.
All of it can't be true.
Please don't be true.
Don't be true.
Be true to me.
Where’s My Knight?- August 31, 2017
You were my knight in shining armor...
Now who will help me slay my dragons and ward off evil robbers of my life,
robbing me of love and value?
Who will rescue me of my fears and tell me to jump across the lava of deceit flowing through my life?
Who will pick me up after I've tripped and fallen down from my evening gown of failure?
Who will slice the heads off the other men that try and steal me away from my successes?
Who will teach me to punch and defend myself when my knight is away temporarily on another journey?
Who will hold my hand when I
simply
can't
handle
you no longer being here?...
Bluebeards Dead Little Dancer- August 29, 2017
I lay in your bed nightly, haunting your sleep as you feel
my breath forever with you.
Never to have another woman in your bed,
a tale that has been reversed
you have prevailed.
You admired my dances, from the audiences you awed, clapped and watched.
Capturing me with your heart I was yours forever to keep.
My feet
always moving for you.
Your bloody chamber, your gallery closet with the key you gave.
I was not to open your past and the things I have been told,
I was not to trust what others were to say, they
were the keys dangling before me.
You gave me all the other keys, the things
for me to trust.
The clinking of voices was the curiosity that lead me to your locked door.
I snuck in hoping you wouldn’t notice.
I had to know what it was that you kept from me.
The jangling of the voices telling me to hack and see.
My inner death was the loss of you.
My real death was the passing
of time that you still long for.
I linger and hang around
hoping you will notice my presence.
Hoping you call out to me, the moment
you call back
I can return from my grave of silence
and dance
for my Bluebeard
and change our ending.
Learning to Drive- June 15, 2017
Fingers wrapped around the stick shift, he grabbed my fingers and interlaced them with mine
on top of the hard ball at the top of the stick.
Listen to the car and feel
the vibration as it pushes and pulls you.
You'll know when to give it up
And switch the gear...
Beware of Writers- June 1, 2017
Beware of writers. We don't ask your permission, we just put pen to paper
tips to keyboards and
scribbles to scraps lying around.
We tell the truth- We lie- We exaggerate- We expose- We bury
No matter what you say can be used in a "court of paper"
It can be published for all the world to see.
Your every flaw can be turned into mountains of disgust or
your every perfect quality admired can be turned into something angelic and worshipped.
Watch what you say and do around a writer because
every snippet of your personality can become a reality on a page that you either want to frame or
burn until the wind scatters the ashes far from the readers eye.
We aim to please and to infuriate- We aim to bring awareness and cry out- We aim to expose and exemplify- We aim for someone to click or turn the page-We aim for you
Read me
Tea Mornings- June 1, 2017
"Baby wake up"
"Darling"
"Lovey"
"If you wake up I'll make you breakfast"
and finally a little stir. A grunt and a stretch and a wipe of the eyes,
I get a squint and a half smile that seems to echo the words of good morning without actually saying them. I kiss his cheek
in an effort to not disturb him too much,
give him the opportunity to stretch and yawn himself awake. "What
do you want for breakfast?" "Coffee or tea?"
A sly grin and that little hype in his voice I get "tea" for an answer and it's in these moments
that I feel the warmth in my heart. As I shuffle off to make tea in a cup of my choosing
a few yawns and some whiffs of the brewing chai, I make
my way back to a white sheeted bed and the man of my dreams curled up in my sheets still half asleep. Taking in
the postcard in front of me
I dodder up to the bed "can you still up for me please?" and I present the steaming mug on top of his chest and into his capable hands.
Curled up next to him with a complimentary mug of my own, I get to
bask in the simplicty of a cup of tea in a bed with the right person and sun streaming through the slant of closed blinds and fluffy bed sheets.
Tator Tot Toes- June 1, 2017
I was freezing and my toes turned into frozen tater tots. I remember
nuzzling up to his furnace of a body telling him
in a whimper "I'm cold."
No shirt, clean shaved chest
and sleepy, benevolent voice he told me "then put your feet under me love" as he adjusted his legs
to overlap my tiny toned calves. I never expected this answer. I seemed to wiggle my narrow size sixes into the fur of his muscular legs
as I tried not to shiver.
But as my teeth clattered and I continued to tremble, he told me to put on a shirt. I settled
into picking out my favorite, soft pajama pants that he chuckled at and
curled up into him and his arms
to use him as my own human shirt and protection from the rooms shadows to engulf us in dream world.
You Want- March 15, 2017
You want someone to be scared of losing you
You want a man that respects you, worships the ground you walk on
You want someone to treat you like a queen but call you their princess
You want someone to make you happy but not have your happiness based only on them
You want a wolf that is not your alpha but rather, part of your pack
You want someone sensitive to your feelings but not tiptoe around them
You want someone to growl at you but not make you cower when they yell
You want to have disagreements but not be put down and forced into submission
You want someone to build you up but not to make you feel terrible when you fall down
You want someone to tell you that it is okay not to be okay but not tell you that you always have to be better
You want someone to encourage you but not to discourage you from your dreams
You want someone to push you but not tell you to back down
You want someone to think of you always but not ignore you around others
You want to be put first but not made to conform
You want
You
Want
Anxiety is Real- February 21, 2017
Normalcy
Eating at a table, little children running in circles
There's danger I swear it
Heart pounding
Padded walls on my right and left, pressure encasing me
I need to get away
Don't embarrass yourself
Tell them to stop talking, it's stressing you out
Get away
Plug your ears
Clench and unclench your fists
Tingling
Hit your head over and over
Fist to temple
It's hot in here, I can't breathe
Wait
Tell yourself that you're okay, nothing is happening
Stop screaming and crying, you're OKAY
TELL YOURSELF TO STOP
YOU'RE OKAY
"You're the problem"
Doubt
Loss
It's all in your head
You can fight it
I'm trying to
Try harder
Okay I will
People are dealing with worse things in the world and doing fine
Adapt and overcome
But I can't
Don't freak out you're okay
You don't understand
Irrational, yes I know
Not real, yes I know
Worse things out there, yes I know
Tell yourself you don't have it, it's in your head...
Don't let them know
Future Vocabulary- January 23, 2017
Diamonds slid onto thin young familiar fingers
New spaces occupied in different towns and cities with young names on leases
Big jobs doing what they love
New travels and videos of places visited, leaving a mark
Engaged
Fiancé
Married
Salary
Apartment
Work
Stability
Independence
New life vocabulary thrown into my face of friends once known now moving forward
Progression of starting life
And here I still am
Dreams
Goals
and ambitions
Just ideas in my head mumbled to strangers in hope of it becoming reality
The desire to establish
To be of one's own
Financially stable
Happily engaged
Newly married
Moved out
Moved in
Broken Promises- December 11, 2016
She scanned the audiences
The floating black heads on the opposite end of the stage that applaud vivaciously
Each night she wiped away the remains of her face
As she looked in the mirror
Off the red lipstick
Off the blush and foundation
Unclasp the earrings
The bobby pins laid on the floor as her hair sprayed hair falls crimped and stiff on her shoulders
The one thing she asks on those that she thinks cares is their support
Her love for the art she wants to pass on
But they never show
Promises of a front row seat and best wishes
But once again she performs to a dark blank audience
You never showed...
Peroxide- December 5, 2016
A cancerous wound
Spread all through my body
I'm trying to heal myself
Stitch up each side
Inch by inch
But just when it starts to scab over...
It cracks open again
You want to keep cleaning it out
Pouring hydrogen peroxide over it
Again and again
Festering and oozing
It'll never heal if you keep opening back up again
Let me scab
Let me scar
Let me heal
She Wolf- December 3, 2016
She was a little pup
That grew into a wolf
An alpha female
That learned to bare her teeth when she smiles
She no longer cowers and runs to her den
She raises her hair and stands her ground
Mr. Materialistic- November 25, 2016
Obsessed with success
You quit before you even have a chance to struggle
Always about the grind
Always working
But for what?
What do you want to succeed in?
It's always about accomplishing something great
Conquering something or someONE
Being the greatest
Anything less you don't even consider
Humility is not in your vocabulary
You are only dedicated to yourself
Only your terms and conditions
Never locked in
Doing things only for status and prominence
If cars and money were women you'd sleep with everyone of them
Diseased to the STD of greed
Mr. Materialistic
Savior- November 17, 2016
She fell in love with his purpose
Helping people
Saving lives
Making a difference
But he gave it up
He then felt he needed to save her
Putting it in her head that she's in danger
He saw different facets of her
Thinking he needed to take her away from herself in order to be free
To be her own person
What he didn't know...
He was the one that needed saving
Death to the Insane- November 17, 2016
She was insane
The definition
"Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result"
She held her fingertips to her temple
Locked herself inside of herself
and pulled the trigger
Dreams and ambitions exploding
Painting the wall behind her
A little giggle
Because there never were any walls
But her remains paint the crime scene
Of the person who used to exist
Save Me Peter- November 8, 2016
Peter Pan where are you at?
And can you tell me how to get to Neverland?
Because, nowadays pixie dust is invisible interest rates
and whispered secrets is insurance
I want to be where you are
Where work is play
And play is actually going away
Sure, the pirates and Indians don't always see eye to eye
But at least they don't kill each other over and over again without a reason why
In this realm the doctors are scam artists instead of the soul healers we need that try to cure sickness with a hug and a smile
Love is selective instead of equal for all
And not even your own friend will try to help you if your farther away than a mile
Peter Pan where are you at?
I'm ready to give up because without that pixie dust I'm about to fall flat
They Are Not Your World- November 2, 2016
The one you love shouldn't be your world
Otherwise you don't own yourself and you live on them
On their terms and their rotations
Let them be your moon and stars
They match you perfectly and are always by your side
They are the atmosphere you breathe
They bring light to your dark skies
They control your tides and reel you in
They change your seasons and are there while you go through all your stages in life
Even when they are what seems like light years away
You can still see them and feel their gravitational pull to you
Like constellations they have their own special names
You point them out to everyone you meet
You talk about them and tell people how they appeared in your skies
You tell others which parts of them shine the brightest and how they illuminate every part of you
They complete you
They are the shining aspect in your life making you beautiful inside and out
But…- September 15, 2016
Dream big
But don't tell anyone your dreams
Reach for the stars
But don't take one or pull them down
Learn things and take in knowledge
But don't talk to others about what you learned
Strive for love
But don't look for it
Get creative
But stay inside the lines
Feel the rain
But don't catch a cold
Explore ideas
But play by the rules
Have your freedom
But we are watching every step you take and every turn you make
It's ok to be emotional
But don't let anyone see anything other than a smile
Let it all out
But suppress all the dark details
Be yourself
But not that side of yourself
Bleeding Words for You- August 18, 2018
I was scared to write
I didn't want you taking up anymore of my pages
But in my emotional stupor your memories are scrawled between my lines
Your words are inked permanently into my clouded paper
Your images are etched into the indents of my written sentences
Our story is told a million times over on paper bound up and hidden from a prying eye
Our past
Present
and future
Jotted down and told in lives
Recorded in different perspectives and angles
But you'll never know the stories I've written for you
The tales you are meant to read
The meaning behind the words that my pen bleed
Ticking Away- August 18, 2016
Laying in your arms looking up at you
I can only smile
You are in a better place in your dreams
Every twitch you pull me closer
Every small whimper you nuzzle into me
Even with your eyes closed I can still see the look you give me
Sometimes I can't decipher it but nonetheless I know those eyes
Gazing at your face in your peaceful slumber I push away the time clock that seems to linger nearby
Ticking away seconds
Minutes
Days
Weeks
Until I'll no longer be in those arms of yours
So here I lay
With you close to me
Until it is time for you to draw away
And our time is up
You go your separate way
For Her Own Good- July 29, 2016
She walks to the sea
She knows he's near by
She swims out until she can no longer stand
Gasping for breath
He swims out to save her
Relief he's here
Her Superman
He takes her in his arms
Helping her catch her breath
She gains her composure and bobs above the water with him
He's her floatation device
He whispers trust me
With innocence in her eyes
She nods yes while looking into the depths of his soul
He takes her down
She's slowly running out of oxygen
But she trusts him
He's holding her down
He starts to swim to the surface
But he won't let her come up with him
He holds her under
He mouths for her to breathe
Suck in the ocean water
Trust him
He's drowning her
... for her own good
She Was as Thin as Paper- July 12, 2016
A precious document
All perfectly inked in black
She's framed and put up on a wall for display
That is until someone took her down to read her words and pages
Putting her words to heart
Her reader was deeply moved
Selfishly he threw away her frame and kept her in his pocket so he could take her out and read her whenever he wanted
But being in his pocket put so much wear and tear on her edges
They became frayed
They were ripped
She became discolored and her ink smeared
Eventually her words began to fade away
Being folded up and reopened
Being handled by unprotected hands
She started to disintegrate
Unable to read her anymore
He ripped her in half and threw her away
Discarded amongst the other trash
Now worthless
You Made me Take a Separate Path- July 11, 2016
There are two paths in front of me
Two completely different
Both life changing
Take one side and you will walk with me
Hand in hand until the end of the road
The other side is lonely but I know that there are merging roads and paths along the way
Possibly you will be on one of those paths waiting for me as well
But it's taking a chance
Either path is painful
With branches grabbing at my face and arms
Barefoot walking over sharp rocks
Either way is a completely different plan than my original purpose
Which pain to choose?
You could come and follow me down my path
But we both know that you want to go your separate way...
Exploding Time Bomb- July 4, 2016
A ticking time bomb
Every morning waking up disappointed that she didn't detonate over night
Adding fuel to keep her going every day is a hardship when she would rather just explode
Problem is the destruction you leave behind afterwards
A huge mess for someone else to clean up
Your loved ones finding the results of the catastrophe
Black coating everything that she used to touch
A thin film of memories covering the surfaces of peoples lives
Time is running out
Author of Your Pain-June 29, 2016
People always ask
If you knew the ending to your story would you read it?
But what if you were the author writing the next page?
Yet the next page you are forced to write is a tragedy...
how would you write your tragedy knowing that you decided what it was
how it will affect the rest of your book
how you have to decide how you will suffer
Create your loss and heartbreak
the pen is in your hand
there must be ink on the next page
or will you abruptly end it and burn everything alive?
Shattered- June 27, 2016
Pure porcelain
White and smooth of imperfection
But every once in a while you chip my steady surface
I patch it up as quickly as I can
Seal the chips with the most durable promise possible
But duct tape and glue can only hold so much together
Nicks on the exterior eventually lead to cracks in the shell of my porcelain
Cracks getting longer and deeper
Adhesive can only fix so much...
...Until I shatter
Lobotomize My Soul- June 16, 2016
You used to say my love was a drug
But love is an addiction
Always wanting more and never satisfied
Drug me up
Numb me
I can't handle the addiction
No rehab can get me out of this mess except lock me up and put me away
Suffocate me and shove the painkillers down my throat
Lobotomize my soul
Don't let me go
Pieces to You- June 16, 2016
I'll come to you in pieces
You can make me whole again
Blown up scattered remains
Limp flesh encased in a cage of metal
Glued between a steering wheel and concrete
Piece me together
Peel me off the cement
Collect my parts
Try to breathe life into my soul again
I don't care if I come back
But at least I'll be with you
Destiny- June 13, 2016
If it's meant to be it will be
But I know that rushing everything isn't our destiny
If you leave and you still can not find the love that you lack
I'll be here for when you get back
This I cannot say or will not express
For if I was utter these words you would love me less
Dangers of Chemistry- May 18, 2016
There's chemistry
Yet, a high risk for spontaneous combustion
The universe may be infinite but we are finite
Ready to explode at any moment in time
A little spark can set everything ablaze
Valuable ingredients missing and the whole equation is off
You won't get the desired result
No happy ending
Just poison in a beaker full of lust and regret
Escaping Neverland- May 6, 2016
"When you're older you'll understand"
This is why we all rush to grow up
Screw Neverland
We all want someone to hold our hand
Grow up to experience life
All the glory in the battlefields but you won't let us fight
You shade us
"You'll understand..."
"If only you understood..."
But you won't let us
Forbidden to grow up
The innocent
The corrupt
All kids that have escaped Neverland
Give me some of your pixie dust
I want out too
My Charred Edges- May 5, 2016
You lit it on fire and I wanted it to burn
I watched as the edges went ablaze
Slowly they turned black and melted away with the wind
The tantalizing flames warming my soul
Until the smoke alarm went off
Alerting me to danger
The oxygen was cut off until it suffocated
The only hint there was even a fire...
Now just a thin trail of smoke wafting through the thick breeze
Sipping from your Lips- April 23, 2016
When I take a sip from your lips it's like sipping a sweet poison
It feels delightful and clouds my judgement
But it's slowly killing me
The only antidote...
Keep sipping the poison
Constantly ingesting a little here and there
Or I'll surely die
Black Skinny Jeans- April 16, 2016
They say if you stop looking for it, it will appear when you need it
The problem is, today, we want instant gratification
We are all blinded to what we actually need by what our ideals and dreams are
What we think we want
It's like, you go looking for black skinny jeans and you can't find them anywhere
Because you want them
You don't actually need them
But everyone has a pair and they are wearing them all the time
Almost flaunting it in front of you
So I stopped looking
Got comfortable without having a pair
Then, when I forgot about them...
You appeared...
My black skinny jeans
Secret Safe Wall- April 4, 2016
On the worst of possible days
My childhood all over again
Hatred surrounding me
Not my fault but it's my blood
Wishing things could of gone a different way
I want to run to my haven
My safe wall where all my problems used to disappear
You didn't have to say anything and I'd be happy just being there
There could be silence
For a few brief moments everything would be alright
I'd be reassured that I'd be ok
A distraction from reality
A secret place
I want to lean up against there now
Sit in the debris and just feel the cool dampness radiate through the back of my shirt
But it won't be the same and you know why
Dark Space With You- March 30, 2016
Middle of nowhere
I want to sit in the darkness with you
The moon illuminating the white of your eyes and the outline of your lips
Your sweet scent wafting towards my nose carried by the cool breeze
No doubt
No questions
Just you
Me
And the moment
Head in your lap staring into the dark void
Nothing but peace and silence with you
The sound of our breath
Inhale
Exhale
Just to feel your warmth in nothing but space is where I want to be
Spaceship- March 29, 2016
I'll build you a spaceship.
Let's beat the sunrise.
Stop.
Rewind.
Visit the past.
Speed into the future.
Look to the skies.
I'll be your star forever.
Bottles- March 25, 2016
We live in bottles
Water from plastic bottles for survival and hydration
Anti-depressants from an orange twist-off so we don't take our lives or the lives of others
Bottles of alcohol to drown out our sorrows
Bottles of liquor to give us courage and have a good time
We bottle our true selves and our feelings
Let the bottle fill up and soon it'll burst
Get to the bottom of it and you'll be empty
We will never be happy and fully satisfied
One bottle after another
Room That I Love- March 16, 2016
Dark blue walls surround me. Warmth and positive sacred air radiates and bounces off the paint. Mirrors hung on the walls reflect pretty lines and works of masterpieces. Wooden barres line the perimeter. A smooth gray marley sprung floor demonstrates a cloudy sky to dance upon. I’m in room 130 in the Arts and letters building.
At first, this room last semester brought me anxiety; worried that I won’t fit in, that I would be judged, of fear of failure and lack of acceptance. Negative thoughts and feelings aren’t welcome in this space. Take off your shoes upon entering, you are now in a neutral sacred space. A space where you can dream, experiment and bring topics to light.
Now, all I feel in this room is an outlet for feeling. I can sit in here and dream of choreography and ideas to play with; of ways to make pretty lines, bring to light controversial ideas, and describe feelings that can only be demonstrated through movement. I can create anything in here. My wildest dreams can be made public, broken down and shared. This room is anything I want it to be.
The wooden barres bolted to wall are my stepping stones, my training tools. They are my training wheels to practice and perfect alignment and dynamic combinations. They allow me to ride my figurative bike one handed while doing a wheelie in the centre. Petite allegro consisting of brise, royale, entre chat trois, glissade and assemble I can’t help but just sit on the gray marley floor. I have to get up and explore the space. Barely anything in here to contribute to the space. There’s only the air and the stereo. A stereo that brings melody to everything. That guides our steps and stems inspiration. The only thing that needs to be in here is me and my thoughts.
Still new to this room, this is where memories are being made. This is where I have poured my soul out and sweated my butt off trying to get something to look elegant and perfect. The mirrors across the whole front of the room show my every flaw. They point out my mistakes and show how my alignment is incorrect. Smudges of hand prints, and even foot prints, decorate the reflective sheets.
There’s so much beauty in this small space. There’s no judgment here. It should be respected and viewed as sacred because nothing can go wrong here. Even the biggest mistake can turn into a masterpiece, a work of art. What we do in this room can bring so much pleasure, happiness and joy. It can also bring depression, pain and sadness in ways that only the body can fully express without words.
This isn’t just a room or a space. This is a whole new world ready to be created or destroyed. This is a dance studio. A dark blue room that radiates inspirational and dedicated hard work, this is room 130.
He and She Stay with Me- March 2, 2016
She waits outside his building
Waits until someone else opens the door until she can slip in
The white concrete block walls seem sterile in the corridor she walks down
Finding the door to the stairs she argues in her head what she's doing as she takes each step upward
Standing in front of the thick brown door
She softly raps on the hard surface with her clenched knuckles
Hopefully he won't hear it
Just as she's turning away he opens the door and looks into the hall
Looks right at her with a question on his face
He leaves the door open and turns back inside to plop down on the blue couch that is in the middle of the living area
She follows him in staring at the back on his head
His dark hair and tall muscular build
She closes the door behind her
He looks up at her from the couch as she tries to muster up some type of sentence
Any cluster of words would do at this point
With tears in her eyes she softly says, "I can't do this anymore."
She puts her face in her hands and starts to sob
He gets up from the couch and lovingly takes her face in his hands
He lifts her chin up
Her eyes now staring up at him
In the softest whisper he says, "I know."
He looks deep into her eyes and with her small face in his hands
All the built up passion and longing that he has he locks lips with her
Pulling away exhausted of breath he whispers one last thing, "I won't let you go again, stay with me."
Cosmos- March 2, 2016
Unfolding through open eyes, a globed
Explosion reproducing- brilliant
fetus enveloped in extending electric cloth.
Unfolding implosive origination, its interior
substance contorts, pulling, reeling
in to maintain osmosis as cluster
lights in the dark- stretching galaxies
streamline luminous textile.
The sun, smiles into unopened flesh in warm blushing orange flashes.
Harmonious light kicks inside, bouncing off etheric mists, aerial sieves
condense waves into droplets nourishing spring. Moist green skin
breathes beneath naked feet of a rounded mother-to-be.
The fetus, a crescent
moon, tucked into itself
reveals a silhouette thin light spilling
in the obscured pulsating black.
The womb holds the light of unopened eyes,
which melts through indivisible cells into melodic
nourishing stretching ligaments. Cocooned
inside red cotton, multiplying red pearls grow pounding in the viscous.
Born, flesh then beholds light, with open eyes, lit: shaded hazes, cold
yellows, and warm blues in etheric foams reflect the rotund sky. The
infinite unfolding proportional to the voyager's crusade. A newborn
efforts movement, standing through his reflected.
Learned only within the invisible elusive memory. Unfolding glossy
firmament, the film of the eye, the opening of the mind, reveals an
unfolding dream. The mind imagines through translucent lenses.
New Flavor- February 29, 2016
I dare you
We made our own taste
Packets and packets stocking up
I couldn't try it all
The end came and I held on
Savoring our flavor for as long as I could
But now things are different and I can no longer bear the taste
Now a completely different flavor I try because the old has been erased
Cup of Life- February 11, 2016
It's not important what you stand for
Throw it away and come to me for something more
Let me use you
Chew you up
Choose your poison
Drink from its cup
I refuse to Write About You- February 11, 2016
I refuse to write about you
No more late night scrawled out pages
No more angry and hurt letters addressed and never sent
Still attached to the binding they will stay
The writing just words that I wanted to say
Staring up at the dark ceiling in bed is where I lay
With no one to ask, "are you ok?"
Close my eyes and dream of a better day
Different book
No trace of you
Fresh pages that are new
I refuse to write about you
So now I will finally bid you adieu
Now Stranger Passing- February 10, 2016
Darkness and despair follow her
Yet she still looks up and smiles
Sending a civil smirk your way
But you put your head down and pass by today, continuing with your day
She's not there
Easy to dismiss
Funny because a little while ago you told her you care
So now she puts her head down until she passes
Lifts her chin and puts her shoulders back
Waiting until this empty and used feeling bypasses
Pollution- January 31, 2016
Fantasy has polluted my thoughts
Your former love has polluted my heart
Light pollution keeps me from witnessing the beauty in the night skies
Sometimes it takes a huge loss to realize what you care about the most
The loss of beauty, of life and love
Until there is an empty yearning for what isn't there
Leap Of Faith- January 23, 2016
She was a young english professor. Not many students or other professors took her seriously because she looked so youthful. She couldn't help that she was a child prodigy of a famous author either.
Since not many took a liking to the professor, she didn't have many friends. After classes she usually went to the tall four story library in the city. It's big glistening stained glass windows always seemed to beckon and welcome her when no one else did. The novels inside took her to worlds she could only imagine and visit until she was forced to turn the next page.
One day after grueling classes with illiterate and ungrateful college kids, she walked to her sanctuary at the library. On her way there she stopped into the next door hole-in-the-wall eclectic coffee shop. She needed her routine brewed tea before she could continue her trek to the library.
She had her own little reading spot; a niche in the wall next to a giant window three stories up. But as she walked over to her usual reading spot she caught the eye of a man. In all her years coming here, not once has she ever noticed this man before. She concluded that he must be new.
The young professor couldn't help but notice his distracting figure. A thin button up did nothing to conceal the muscles stretching underneath such a thin piece of polyester. His thick black rimmed glasses only magnified the green flecked twinkling eyes that were hidden behind the lenses. This man was too attractive to not at least glance at him a few times. Of course she would never be able to approach him, but she could at least have eye candy couldn't she? No harm in that.
The next few weeks he seemed to always be there at the same time and days she was. Not once did he ever look at her in the way she found herself gawking at him. It came down to the point where she would have to literally force her nose into a book so she wouldn't stare like an obsessed love struck teenager. He was too distracting! His sleeves were always rolled up and his dark brown hair was always tousled, as if from being windblown. Yet, there wasn't much air and wind flow in the city so she always tried to imagine what made his windblown hair so incredibly sexy looking.
One sunny afternoon in the library, as she sat in her niche desperately trying not to ogle at him, she noticed something different about the man. As if she was seeing his face clearly for the first time, she noticed the scruff of a beard.
"Did he always have that?"
"My God, was he always this irresistible?"
This man was the perfect bad boy gone geek. So cliche. How could she be fantasizing about a movie stereotype like him?
Then suddenly her world flipped.
One particular early evening as the professor approached her reading niche, sipping her foamy chai tea latte, she noticed a figure in her spot. How dare this individual! Enraged, the smallish woman tromped up to the conspirator. Yet, when she got close enough she noticed that the person who stole her spot wasn't just anybody... It was HIM.
Now just two feet away from the horribly alluring man, for once in her life she was at a loss for words. Her anger suddenly depleted, fear overwhelmed her whole being. And not just any fear. But the fear you had when you were little and you stood in front of your mom as she looked at you with disappointment in her eyes; you had to somehow explain how you bit another kid at school on the playground at recess.
As she began fumble around for what to say to this man, he looked up from his book. Just as his green sparkling eyes locked with her dull blue irises, he threw her a this smirk. He cast her such a mischievous grin so that when the right side of his mouth curved upward, she caught a glimpse of a boyish little dimple in his cheek.
"Um... Uh... excuse me... but you're in my spot." she stammered.
"I know," and again he threw her that smirk while chuckling, "you have something on your lip."
She touched her upper lip and noticed that when she pulled her fingers away there was white foam on them.
SHIT.
Of all the possible worst times in her existence, the universe had to pick this one to give her a foam chai latte mustache! As quick as she could, she wiped her sleeve across her upper lip trying to erase the embarrassment that had also flushed red across her whole face. It was at this moment that she felt like she was going to cry.
Noticing her defeat, "I'm so so sorry, I didn't mean to offend or embarrass you. Please don't cry princess."
Princess? Oh hell no! This man. Correction... this STRANGER, did not just call her princess! She was NOT a child, no matter how small she felt at the moment. Quickly, her anger came flooding back with full force and she was ready to pounce this time.
"How dare you!" She screamed at him, "first you take my spot. Second you embarrass me. And now you call me 'princess' like a child!"
Startled at the sudden rage coming out of this tiny woman he began to apologize again, "I'm so sorry but this was the only way I could think of to try and get you to talk to me."
"I see you here everyday at the same time with your nose buried in a book and I can't help but notice the light from the window and the way it shine downs on you. It illuminates your golden hair and it makes it look like you have a halo... like an angel. I just need to know your name... please," he finished.
Her cheeks flushed, "my name is Yelena."
With that devilish grin, he extended his hand, "my name is Bryce. Nice to finally meet you Yelena. Hey, I'd like to take you somewhere because I think you'd appreciate it. I know I'm a stranger. But, seeing you here day after day hardly makes us strangers anymore in my opinion. What do ya say?"
She thought to herself, "come on Yelena. He's right. You know his name now and he seems harmless. You've gawked at him for months now. Take a leap of faith for once."
"O.K. I've got nothing to lose, I'll come with you," she stated nervously to Bryce, still unsure why she's agreeing to this.
At her agreement, Bryce shot up and took her by the hand and rushed her outside the library. Parked on the sidewalk just outside the revolving doors was a matte black 848 EVO Ducati super bike. That would explain the tousled hair!
As they approached the motorcycle Yelena tried to act cool. But the whole situation was giving her heart palpitations. Rested on the bike was a ruby red flamed, full- faced helmet. Bryce handed Yelena the helmet because despite her amazement that she was actually doing this, he expected her to get on it tandem with him.
With only a second of hesitation, she grabbed the ruby red helmet and slipped it over her blonde hair as Bryce started up the motorcycle. Once it was fired up, he turned around and flashed her that award wining grin again and told her to hop on.
One leg at a time she swung her right thigh over the opposite side of the bike. Trepidation, exhilaration, and anticipation urged through her whole body as she asked where he was taking her.
Bryce voiced over the purr of the engine, "it's a surprise. But I guarantee you'll love it."
Yelena could hear the grin in his voice. Suddenly, he reached behind and grabbed her arms as he wrapped them around his waist, "hold on to me. It's impossible to go slow on this thing."
Once again... CLICHE! Jeez Yelena, this is right out of one of your books.
With a soft twist, they were off. Her grip around Bryce's waist tightened as she held on for dear life. This was her first time on a motorcycle. Let alone, on the back of a very fast one with a man she just met.
After a few minutes of her increasing death grip around Bryce's waist, Yelena finally looked up at the road and loosened her grip. Pedestrians and cars zooming past her, she could feel the wind on her face through the helmet. The breeze blowing her blonde hair all over the place from where it escaped under the helmet Bryce gave her.
At a stop light, she couldn't help herself anymore. She's on the back of his bike after all, so she takes another leap. His shoulders so tense and muscular, she goes to touch them. Massaging every ripple and muscle, she hears a soft whimper escape from his lips before the light turns green again. And then they are off, bounding through street after street once again.
But then she opens her eyes and she's no longer holding on to Bryce. There's no cars or pedestrians flying by. No ruby red flamed helmet. The wind on her face is stronger now, more powerful. But there's no black motorcycle in sight. One look below and the ground is over twenty five stories away.
People and cars look like glowing ants rushing and scattered about.
She's not with Bryce...
She standing on the edge of a skyscraper getting ready to jump.
Realizing where she's at, Yelena stumbles backward away from the edge gasping for air. "How did I end up here? It was all so real. I almost jumped!"
But maybe all it takes is a leap of faith after all...
The next day, Yelena follows her usual routine of a chai tea and the library. After the night she had, all she needs is her tea and her niche to escape the world. But someone is there and that someone isn't a stranger...
Checking that she doesn't have a foam mustache, she heads over to the man that is occupying her spot by the window. He looks up at her, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to take your spot." The man extends a hand out to her, "my name is Bryce. I thought I would join you."
She shakes his warm gentle hand, "I'm Yelena. I would love the company."
As she sits down next to Bryce she notices the ruby red, flamed motorcycle helmet resting next to him...
Not again.
Sideways Glance- January 21, 2016
Just a sideways glance
Her beauty enough to make you do a double take
You can leave for a time and come back to find her still here
She's been here the whole time
She hasn't changed
She'll always be here for you to come back to
Everyone just a blip on a radar always moving past her
Waiting for someone to finally stop and stay for a while
Body Cast- January 9, 2016
Undress the pressure around my body
Peeling back the layers that's concaving me
Pounding on my chest
Don't turn your head or close your eyes
Just look into mine
See the numb anguish
Release my body from the bonds you have over me
Make a cast of my body for your remembrance
Oh darling, set me free
Break me apart
Learning to Swim- January 7, 2016
You can throw me in the deep end to teach me to swim but that doesn't mean that I'll float
Let me struggle a little more
Let me decide my fate
Let me choke on the water as it enters my lungs and I deplete my oxygen
When I get out all pruney and lacking air I won't mind sharing your oxygen
I just wanna get lost in your lungs
Cracked Window- December 31, 2015
A crack in the glass window
Light seeping through like the trust I once had in you
A tiny pebble causing my agony
Not quite as big like the baseball you threw last year
Cracked and replaceable
Fragile glass
Don't shatter me
Blow Out the Candles- December 30, 2015
Candles lit on a drooping cake
Pink frosting melting off the sides
A candle lit
Make a wish
But what if you have everything you asked for?
Then wish that nothing ever changes
Wish that that candle stays lit and you never have to use that wish for something better
Nicknames- December 29, 2015
Pretty Silence- December 25, 2015
Pretty girls don't know the things I know
I whisper things in the dark
Imaginary people
Fill this empty space
Stuttering words into ominous silence
Begging for someone to take my hand
Guide me
Show me
Synthetic- December 17, 2015
Like photosynthesis
Sitting in the sun sitting up
In a spray-painted blue chair on a green deck
Absorbing the rays as thoughts try to crowd their way in
Their beauty is pathetic
The rays burning bright white behind my closed eye lids
This life is synthetic
Shoot Out- December 15, 2015
Thundering heart
Waiting for a response
Like a monkey in my heart rattling it's cage
Screaming out
With one foot in the shower and the other one in the grave
Where to stand
Your words an electromagnetic wave
Shocking me into submission
In the barrel of the gun waits the ammunition
Shoot it
Take me out
A concupiscence mission
Insured Heart- December 15, 2015
Assurance is like insurance
A hug insures protection
A kiss insures affection
A name insures possession
And those butterflies you give us insure divine perfection
But our purpose in this world is not enough to insure us that we will survive
Insurance is to help us feel ok about what will happen
If we ever have something stolen from us
Get injured
Or pass away
But I guess I didn't have enough to cover the heart that was stolen from me
Broken in half
And how I died when you left
Poetry- December 8, 2015
You and me are like poetry
Creating stories with our lips
Our rhythm and rhyme will vary in scheme
You can be the plot line
I'll be your climax
And together we will be the resolution
Burnt- December 8, 2015
Your eyes are like a sparkle
They flicker in me
Burning me up
My heart a flame
Your drunken faded lips
Singeing my soul
The taste of ash oddly satisfying
Inhale me
Let me be your high
Stir my fire
Don't let my embers go out
Take it slow
Feel my flame
Socks- December 6, 2015
Socks washed
Going in dirty through cycles
Coming out clean
Many are put in the dryer
But few come out
Eaten by a dry tumbling mouth of heat
The only evidence left is that of a full lint tray
Missing it's true pair and partner
What is the right supposed to do without the left?
How can you fold their ends together and put them in the drawer without the other side?
We are like socks
Some never come out of the dark hole of tumbling intensity
Lost without your other side
You're incomplete
The only thing left of you is a dark lint tray of all your pieces
Waiting for Plans- December 3, 2015
She keeps a skinny waist
A pretty face
Golden hair
And a drawer of lace
Just waiting for someone to appreciate her
Trying to stay true to herself
While waiting for someone to accept her
She's in love with the words on a page
Just waiting to write her own
Stains washed clean
Working on patience
Learning humility
Plagued with anxiety
Learning to trust
Trust there's a plan for her...
Trust
Go- December 3, 2015
Gnashing teeth
Fists flying
Abusive speech
Relief is just out of reach
Darkness disguised as light
Just me, myself, and I
Just do it
Go ahead
Don't be scared
No Air- November 30, 2015
Elephant standing on my chest
My lungs trying to expand but my rib cage is pressing against them
Gasps for breath
I can't get enough oxygen
Hyperventilating, scared I won't ever take another breath
Clawing for air
My heart hammering in my chest
The only thing I can feel
Toxic- November 23, 2015
Pop it open
Twist it off
Straight to my liver.
Swapping tongues
Chapped lips
Skin on skin
Walking through life eager for affection
There never really was a connection.
This is what happens when you settle.
When you put aside who you really are for some instant gratification.
Taking things into your own hands and walking ahead those steps on your own
Rupturing the plan that's laid out for you.
The toxicity slowly burning from the inside out.
Fissuring.
Looking for a remedy.
Nightmares of You- November 16, 2015
Who once was in my dreams
is now in my nightmares.
Haunting me of what used to be,
waking up with heartbreak and anxiety.
There's a thousand ways my brain can make up you torturing me,
no longer my pleasure but my misery.
Bloom- November 16, 2015
Gently pick off my petals,
watch them fall,
bury my seeds
and let me bloom again.
Dark Holes- November 9, 2015
It pains me to know how many times you vanish inside those dark endless holes
I wish I could show you some light so you wouldn't disappear
Suffering in agony
Creating your own torture
It doesn't have to be this way
My hand is always outstretched and I'm waiting for you to grab on
Throw away the pride and lean on me
I may be small but I can take on a lot
I've peeked into that hole
Crawled my own way out through faith and trust
Crack open the book instead of that sliding glass door
I'll be here when you want to look for that light to pull you back through
Stars- November 8, 2015
We are stars.
When we were young, we were told so.
They dazzle and twinkle from far away places.
They can be seen from millions of miles away.
A giant ball of energy, gas, and powerful light...
But the thing with stars is,
they eventually burn themselves to death.
Fires don't need physical contact to start,
just bend the light the right way and refract it.
The built up energy will cause us to implode bringing
death,
destruction,
and eventually a black hole of darkness.
A suicidal super nova.
Refract it the right way and there's an opportunity to change.
Our twinkle and shine will last a little longer as long as the energy can be radiated outward, instead of inside.
Radiant,
Luminescent,
Forever shining bright.
Feather- November 5, 2015
Vast bright colors...
Pluck me out,
I don't belong.
Blemished and fallacious.
Let me float to the ground.
Something light to land heavily with a thud.
Blow me away and watch me soar, carried by the wind.
Migrating and finding some place more suitable.
But can one lone feather become wings for something so pitiful?
Contradictions- November 5, 2015
Surrounded by people, but so alone.
So many thoughts in your head, but so blank and absent.
Walking in the light, but surrounded by darkness.
A clear path in front of you, but so lost.
What's real?
What's true?
You Are the Light- November 4, 2015
When we were little we were all scared of the dark.
Scared of what's under the bed, in the closet, or around the dark corner.
Well that fear never subsides...
It follows you around like a shadow haunting you and never leaving your side.
But its when we leave that darkness and finally round that corner that the light appears.
Casting a glow around us and basking us in its rays.
We no longer need to hide in fear because we can finally see that what's in the dark isn't real.
What's in the light is...
YOU.
Busy Mind- October 29, 2015
Sweet sugary words taste lovely to my ears
But it's not ever being in love is my fear.
There's lies in smiles
and truth in words.
I just want my life to be worthwhile.
But I'm thinking about it again.
And there's no knight in shining armor to save me from these dark thoughts.
Death just seems like such a beautiful option.
Save me and help me fight off these fire breathing demons of mine
Bring me into the light and away from ending it all.
Paradise- October 25, 2015
Knowing that you can die instantly is such a beautiful thing
I don't want to die
I just want something to kill me
The wages sin pays is death
And I just can't keep up with this
I can't be perfect
Sometimes I just think it's easier...
If I wasn't here and didn't have to live through this,
Wake me up when everything is better.
Photomania- October 20, 2015
The love of light Driving down the highway,
Street lights hovering above like little hazes of hope.
Flying by red glares,
The light leading me off to another place
keeping me in a distracted daze.
His intellect is my light bulb.
His skepticism my blinding light.
Forcing me under the lamp tied down for questioning.
"Some minds are better kept apart"
But darling please don't touch my heart.
Everything in my head like red and blue flashers chasing me down the pavement.
Do what's right...
Flash
Be a good girl...
Flash
Don't screw up...
Flash
Don't complicate things...
Flash
It's too much brightness.
The wind strong,
The lights swaying before me,
A quick, hard spin of the wheel,
and the last thing I feel
is the crunch of metal into a concrete median
and a light bringing me into oblivion.
Piano- October 17, 2015
You sit me down and say you have a song for me.
You take your place at the bench and play me a sweet symphony.
Fingers pressing the keys and radiating out of the piano is a beautiful harmony.
On the soft carpet, I lay at your feet listening to your heart play every beat for me.
A soft smile spreads on my lips as I watch you play with your fingertips.
Never did I know that you could make such a sound.
I love your music that you play aloud.
I look at you with dreamy eyes and sigh.
You in turn close your eyes and play for me.
It's such a beautiful symphony.
After your sweet song, I sneak up behind you and kiss your neck.
I hear your slight sigh as you take your hands off the keys and kiss me back.
A warm song to keep my heart strong.
I lay back down on the floor and listen as you play my sweet song.
DEATH- October 17, 2015
Each person is master of their own death
and all that we can do when the time comes is to help them die without fear of pain.
Laying on the table waiting to die.
Naked
Numb
Stupid
I'm staying.
But if you have a gun, then shoot it.
Cupid take my heart and lead it away from here.
My body will die but my heart will live on.
End it now if you'd like.
Or live on in desperation of something more.
Is your time near?
There was no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age.
Your Own Story- October 17, 2015
We each write our own story.
We choose to continue it or take a break.
Pick up the pen and press it onto the paper to write our life.
We can rewrite what has happened in the past but the words will always be the same.
Once the words are written you can't erase them.
It's in ink.
Not pencil.
The only thing we can do is rip the page out of the book and start over again.
The smudges still on our fingertips and hands.
Let someone else write your story?
Write it our self?
It's our choice to decide.
Slow Down- October 17, 2015
Watching.
Red on the right.
White and yellow on the left.
Beaming over the early morning fog.
Speeding.
Coming and going.
Going the distance.
Going far away.
Have you ever noticed the highway is never clear?
It's always moving...
like me.
Never stop moving.
If I steady,
I feel.
I stay just busy enough to distract myself.
Like the driver behind the wheel distracted by the road,
the traffic in front of him.
Gaining speed.
Don't stop.
All that goes up, must come down.
Sooner of later, we all have to slow down.
But it's crashing down.
We just need someone to slow us.
Stop the inertia.
So when I have to feel, there's someone else with me.
Take my hand and slow me down.
Rushing and racing
And moving in circles.
The blur of the traffic distracts me.
Save me.
Moving so fast, still I can't stop.
Don't want to stop I'm forgetting my purpose.
Lead me
Show me
Take me down.
This is asking a lot.
I'm forgetting myself entirely.
Running on promises and expectations.
In the end, things only get worse.
But I speed up instead of slowing down.
Empowering.
Taking over my fear and pain.
Almost hopeless.
Grasp my hand and bring me down
Slowly
Softly
With you.
I Do- October 17, 2015
A promise.
Kneeling on his knee, eyes to his beauty.
That one important question can change her whole reality.
White blankets her surroundings.
Out of a sea of purity something stands out,
Her black sheep.
Innocent
Loving
And waiting on her every motion.
Two words change her lifetime.
A gold circle slipped onto her hand.
A kiss of an eternal bond.
Lasting and long-suffering.
Cheers of merriment and sweet music played a loud.
A first dance together, it's only them when everyone else is in a cloud.
A blur.
It's only the two of them in this world.
Swaying to the beat,
His hands on her waist.
She slings her arms around his neck and they dance together in the most precious embrace.
Her train following behind her,
Her love and mate at her side,
Partners in crime.
He says I love you and his eyes go wide.
A simple act that means so much.
Hand and hand they now leave as Mr. and Mrs.
The beginning of something great.
A time of forever.
Only the future awaits.
Together forevermore,
Just them two.
As the words he said keep replaying in her mind...
I DO.
Feel- October 15, 2015
On the floor prostrating myself
I knock my head on the hard surface underneath me
I want to feel something
The rattle in my brain
Is it enough to keep me sane?
Abstract Art- October 13, 2015
*NOTE*
This is not my own writing, but I stumbled upon this poem and had to share it. It's so raw and organic that the author really gets a great point across. I do not know the authors name to give him/her their own due credit but this poem is pure artistry.
*WARNING*
Slightly graphic (PG-13)
The stress just builds and builds
Like some pressure cooker left
Unattended by a drunken cook.
I sit staring at this screen with
A thousand thoughts running through
This cluttered volatile mind.
As I sit here surrounded by
Reminders of just how completely
****ed my life has become,
I only try to subdue my demons
in a futile attempt to feel "normal".
The problem is I've never known normal.
Time and time again, I give in
To my unrelenting demons:
Sex, drugs, alcohol and hate.
Sometimes they bring relief.
But usually it is just more misery
And I just can't take anymore.
I stumble up the stairs to the bathroom.
Once there, I stare into the mirror
And see desperation and pain,
malice and regret staring back.
This cycle can not continue.
I take out my phone and begin recording.
I leave this pathetic world one last
middle finger in the face as I
stick the barrel in my mouth
and paint the wall behind me
with frustration and honesty.
Girls- October 13, 2015
We know what you want
But you're physical
And we are emotional
When we are broken we search for affection anywhere
Even in the wrong places
And we let you take advantage of this
Just because it feels good
We know it's fake
But better to live in fantasy right?
Race to Erase- October 13, 2015
There was a little girl that thought she was the fastest kindergartener in the whole world.
She'd race the wind to class everyday.
Her blonde piggy tails would flap behind her as her over sized ladybug backpack bounced around on her smallish back.
When she got to the door to the class she'd turn around and yell,
Beat cha again! to no one in particular.
But this particular Autumn day when she walked into class, her friends challenged her.
They challenged her to a race.
She accepted this race immediately because in her head she was the fastest little girl ever.
But this wasn't a relay like she thought.
This was a race to erase.
The rules were simple.
Her friends got two big pieces of paper and drew big black pencil marked squiggles on each white page.
The little boy that would go up against her and herself were both presented with a pink rubber eraser.
The goal was to see who erased all of it the fastest.
On the count of three she dragged her eraser across all the squiggles as fast as she could so she could finish before the little boy.
With one last drag across the smudged paper she yells,
DONE! Beat cha!
The little boy looks over and lets his shoulder sag with defeat.
Her little group of friends cheer her name and congratulate her on winning.
As she looks down on her almost clean paper, besides a smudge here or there, she sees that its relatively blank.
Immediately she begins to feel sad.
She felt bad for the little pink rubber eraser.
Half of it gone now.
Reduced to just the shards scattered on her paper.
She scraped all the rolled up little shreds and put them into a pile in the center of the blank page.
She didn't realize the damage she had done.
She cried for destroying the helpless little eraser.
All it did was absorb big black mistakes for her.
And in turn, she rubbed the little guy out to practically nothing.
Just remnants of a perfectly whole thing, now in a million pieces.
She didn't realize until years later that she wasn't actually crying about her eraser that Autumn day in Kindergarten.
She cried because down the road, her life would be like that eraser.
Rubbed away to nothing over cleaning up someone else's mistakes.
The damage done, not realized until all the little pieces of herself were just little rubber remnants scattered over a blank page.
The race to erase finally over...
Intoxicated You- October 13, 2015
A breeze blowing my hair
Liquor on my lips
I wander the road to you
Talking to the air like I wish you were there
I don't know how long I've walked but my feet seem to keep tripping over themselves
I'm trying to keep my eyes fixed forward but I can't seem to focus
So I just keep walking this lone street
Yellow light illuminating every few feet and hovering above me
Out of the dark you walk to me
Just as I stumble
I fall into your arms
Catching me, you whisper something sweet in my ear
Your hot breath on my neck making my heart flutter
I swear I feel your lips graze mine until I look up
All I see is darkness
But I feel you
Leading off into the shadows
I follow behind holding your hand as you help me walk with you
Tripping over
I fall to my wobbly knees
But you're not there
All I feel is a hand on my back
Keeping me on the ground
The asphalt bites into my knees
Your shadow looming over me
Letter of Fate- October 8, 2015
With warm gentle hands
And a smile in your eyes
You hold my head under water
And tell me to breathe easy for a while
Holding me down under
You say this is better
The bubbles are filling me up and the water is weighing me down
This is my forced suicide letter
I Ran- October 5, 2015
I ran to our spot even though I knew you wouldn't be there
You haven't been there in some time now
I stood there talking to a wall until I moved on
So I ran to where you actually would be
I ran
and ran
and ran
I ran until everything came up
...including you
Our Smell- October 7, 2015
Everyone has their own smell
Walking through the halls a person can tell if you just walked by
Hug a friend and you want to bury your face in their shirt and take a long whiff
Whether its cologne
or someone's detergent
maybe even their deodorant
But everyone's body reacts differently to varying fragrances
"You smell like your house"
"Thanks?"
...
No matter what, a person has their own scent
An aroma that rubs off on everything
Right now I smell like me
And you smell like you
We both smell like us and ourselves and our houses
But soon we will have a scent together
One day I want to share a smell with you that will be defined as ours
Popsicles and Pages- October 4, 2015
Queen bed with downy sheets.
Silence of turning pages and faint slurps.
In her big t-shirt and little pink shorts, she flips the pages of her book.
He plays footsie with her cold toes under the chilled linen.
The novel in front of her materializes in her mind with each new paragraph.
As she contemplates the authors words, her tongue licks the blue popsicle that's poised in her hand.
Her little tongue flicks as her crystal eyes focus on the white pages in front of her.
It brings him tranquility when he looks over now and again from slurping up his own purple popsicle.
A giggle escapes his purple stained lips as he watches her struggle over turning a page while the blue dye melts down the wood popsicle stick and on to her now sticky fingers.
Sucking her finger tips in the most tantalizing way to rid her of the blue syrupy evidence, he tries to distract her from her nightly reading.
Finally with the pages put to rest and the popsicle sticks on the bedside table.
The simple serenity of a concentrated silent night bring both him and her childish bliss.
An Outsiders Kaleidoscope- October 4, 2015
Life is adventurous as an outsider
We ourselves will see the black and white matter
But in that gray someone else will see the color
We want the next big thing
The next hero
Inventor...
Doctor...
Lawyer...
And when we can't accomplish the nearly unique impossible, we lose our adventure
Where's our color?
Maybe our life isn't bland but we are gray
It's our perspective that needs to be adjusted
A kaleidoscope of possibilities
We don't have to make an impact on the world
We just need to make an impact on ourselves
Adjust our colors and line them up in the light
Find the pattern that shines the most in your life
And occasionally turn the tube around and see from a different perspective
Because life is always adventurous as an outsider
China- September 25, 2015K
I may crack and shatter from time to time
But it's you who puts me back together again
Polishes me and keeps me stored safe
You accept my chips and dings
Even admires them at times
But its because of you that I can still shine bright from time to time
Come and Go- September 28, 2015
People come and go
Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires
A stench lingering on fingers and breath
Or chaotic havoc ruining lives and beauty
Both deteriorating
Making it hard to breathe
Taking up valuable oxygen
And killing innocent souls
Like highway commuters
Yellow one way
Red another way
Coming and going
Smoke swept away out of rolled down windows into other lanes
or
Passing fires that darken skies with ash
And fills travelers vehicles with restrictive breaths and smokey coughs
Extinguish and perish
Water and live
Classroom- September 25, 2015
AUTHORS NOTE: This poem was written for a 400-800 word dark
poetry contest. I wrote it in class in high school and certain little things inspired me. I'm not that dark of a person but I tried.
Coiled around my neck.
Oxygen from my windpipe cut off.
Alienated and ostracized.
I’m stuck in this secluded area,
left to wander the vast spaces of my mind.
I hear the screams.
I smell the fear.
The goose bumps crawling up my skin like spiders.
I was once a fighter.
A fighter for love.
A fighter for freedom.
A fighter for life.
Yet now I struggle barely holding on.
Hold on loosely but don’t let go.
Slip just far enough away to escape the clutches of
your enemies.
Eyes bulging.
Lips turning blue.
Purple replaces the pale color of the skin in my face.
She once took to the bottle to drown her sorrows,
and now she goes to the rock to keep her mind off the
taunts and mocks.
They say LISTEN and SILENT are spelled with the same
letters.
Yet to object to this theory she knew better.
The pangs of distress have followed her throughout her
years.
Now each thing that has disturbed her comes out through
her tears.
The world is said to be round but what would happen if
it was flat again and we could just walk off the edge.
The edge of existence.
The edge of reality.
The edge of our dreams.
Who chases those anymore?
Can we still reach the stars?
Is the sky the limit?
Shot down by friends and family.
She’s bleeding inside out.
What’s black is now white.
Muffled terrors,
and shattered mirrors.
Her sun covered over and hidden from the world.
Life shriveled up.
Nothing coming or going.
Nail beds bitten down to the numbs.
Skin battered and turned to black and blue.
The air is stagnant.
It prickles her skin.
Just the feeling of her clammy hands have made her
shutter within.
Earth underneath quaking.
Knees bending and shaking.
Falling to the damp wet tile floor clutching tight the
base of her small torso.
No place to run.
Shackled down to reality.
Dreams to nightmares.
Wishes only coins in the fountain.
11:11 no longer makes sense.
The depths of the inception of this lone place
overwhelms the deception of this world.
Lines blurry.
Details forgotten.
Lucid thoughts now clouded with fear.
Everything she does is scrutinized.
All her talents no longer laudable.
No longer able to evoke sweet thoughts.
This intentional emotion of entrapment brought on by
the depression that follows her throughout the day.
Reality imaginative and put to the stage…
She’s actually sitting in class just thinking and in
her book it’s time to turn the page.
Now I Understand- September 25, 2015
There was once a girl named Erin. She was a short petite girl with dark red hair and big green eyes that always seemed to sparkle. She lived the typical American girls life. Her daddy was the towns carpenter and everyone is town called him to fix the little things in their houses to keep them "ship shape" as he would say. Her mum was gorgeous. She stood out in any crowd and everyone in town loved her. She must of been born with that motherly persona because she was the most caring person you could imagine.
Everyone in town told Erin how lucky she is to have such a great family and lifestyle at the age of 5 though at that age she never fully understood why. She was just happy to be herself but luck wasn't in her vocabulary yet at her young age. Yet she knew she looked exactly like her beautiful mum and her daddy was always compared to a knight. With his handsome looks and charming personality everything in Erin's life was perfect.
Living on the country side of town always had it's advantages, and Erin just loved to go out to the barn at the wee hours in the morning to get a glimpse of the sunrise. She would climb up as far as her little legs would take her and she would sit on top and just stare into the distance. With the slight breeze ruffling her hair and the suns extravagant colors reflecting in her green eyes just the smell in the crisp morning air told Erin that Autumn was finally here.
With Autumn finally arriving and the leaves in the valley changing colors the carnival would soon come too. Every year Erin's daddy and her mum would take her to the carnival to ride a camel and get a blue and pink cotton candy. It was her favorite thing in the whole wide world besides her mums homemade cranberry pie. YUMMY! Just thinking about the cotton candy and the pie melting in her mouth made her wee tummy rumble.
On her skip back to her house Erin took the opportunity to say good morning to her fat piggy Mr. Wiggly and her filly Snowflake. As this was always the routine for Erin. Sooner then later as Erin was approaching her front door she heard yells and screams just beyond that cherry colored door. Timid to open the door she slowly twisted the handle and walked in just in time for the screams to stop and her daddy walking away with her beautiful mum on the kitchen floor with her face in her hands and tears streaming down her face. Her five year old instinct kicked in as she rushed over to her mum on the floor and hugged her as hard as she could as she asked if she was ok. Without realizing Erin heard some of the screams her mum wiped her face hastily stood up and reached a hand out to Erin to help her stand up and then walked away.
Erin knew better at 5 years old then to push her mum for more information since she probably wouldn't understand anyways. So all Erin could do was continue on with her day and get ready for school. You see as smart as Erin was she was able to skip kindergarten and go straight to first grade. Her daddy told her she was special and unique and different than other kids. Yet, she never fully understood that because all the other kids looked just like her. So how could SHE be special and not the other kids her age?
Some weeks went by without another mysterious incident occurring with her mum and daddy so everything seemed normal until that chilly Thursday morning. As Erin poured her Frosted Flakes into her favorite checkered bowl her mum walked out of her room in her usual jeans and comfy peach sweater she always wore on chilly mornings. Usually daddy would be following right behind her with his razor as he trimmed up his stubble on the way to the morning table to read the towns paper. But daddy was nowhere to be found behind mum...
As mum grabbed the milk out of the fridge for Erin she placed it on the table next to the checkered bowl and sat down with her hands holding her head.
Mum where's daddy? Said Erin with curiosity in her squeeky five year old voice.
Oh. Daddy won't be eating breakfast with us this morning honey. He had to leave early to go to work. We will see him for supper. She said this with such tiredness and exhaustion in her voice that she didn't even look at Erin as she was talking to her like she usually does in the morning and Erin knew something was wrong...
Erin slowly pushed the chair away from the table and her Frosted Flakes and went to her mum and just hugged her. And instead of getting up and walking away like she did a few weeks ago her mum embraced Erin and began to weep in her school shirt. Worried, Erin asked if her mum was OK only to have her mum pull away and look her in the eyes. She sniffled as Erin gasped as she saw the huge black and blue bruise under her gorgeous mothers right eye. Before Erin could say anything more after what she saw, her mum gently kisses her on the forehead, gets up, and walks away with only saying Have a good day at school with sorrow in her voice and her backed turned, as she once again disappears to another place in the house.
School was normal for the rest of the day. Erin had her cheddar goldfishies at snack time and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with an apple for lunch. Compared to her morning, things were Ok and she knew tonight the carnival opened! She was already planning to wear her green sweater with the sparkles on the sleeves and her warmest jeans for when she went on the twirl-n-whirl with her daddy.
As school let out she ran home as fast as she could so she could say hi to Mr. Wiggly and Snowflake and do her adding and subtracting homework on the porch that her teacher assigned her for the night. Once finished with her measily homework she whizzed through she saw daddy pull up the drive way in his navy blue pickup truck with his usual smile on his face. With mum in the passenger seat smiling it looked like the black and blue under her eye was gone. It seemed like a miracle to Erin at how fast her boo-boo went away. Only what Erin didn't understand at five years old is that makeup can work wonders to hide bruises...
She jumped off the porch like everything was normal as she ran to greet her parents as they waltzed up the rock covered driveway holding hands. Maybe the people in town were right. Erin was "lucky" she had such a great life.
Guess what today is sweetheart! Her daddy said with a cheerful voice.
THE CARNIVAL!!!! Screeched Erin with all the excitedness she had.
That's right hunny said her mom and that's where we are taking you tonight because you have been such a good girl lately!
Now Erin was excited. She gave both her parents a big hug before running up stairs to change into her green sparkly sweater and warm jeans. She always had trouble braiding her hair and she has been practicing it for a while now but she wanted to look good tonight for the carnival so she crossed the hall to ask her mum to do it for her. With a light tap on the white wooded door she asked for permission to come in and ask her mum a question.
Mummy, could you pretty please with sprinkles on top braid my hair like you always do? I don't want it coming out on the twirl-n-whirl with daddy.
Of course Erin, come sit up on the dresser and I'll make you look like a princess.
As soon as daddy was finished getting ready and mum and Erin were set they were off like a heard of turtles to the Autumn carnival. And boy, Erin was looking forward to this night all Summer!
Pulling up to the carnival in her daddy's pickup truck and her mum in the front seat holding her daddy's hand Erin was in a five -year-olds paradise. All night she went around with a smile on her face. She got her favorite pink and blue cotton candy that she was looking forward to and rode the twirl-n-whirl with her daddy. She laughed and screamed in joy as the powerful forces of the ride whipped her around. She even went on the ferris wheel with her mum and watched all the pretty carnival lights shimmer and glitter from down below. She could of been the happiest girl alive that night. It was only on the ride home that her precious childhood was about to crumble to pieces...
Exhausted from the night it was past Erin's bedtime as her daddy carried her to the pickup in the carnivals parking lot. He layed her down softly in the back seat buckled her in. The drive home took longer than usual tonight because of the traffic flowing from out of the carnival. But they were almost home when Erin was awaken by her mum and daddy arguing. To this day she's not quite sure what the argument was about but it's a fight she could never forget. All she remembers are a few things her mum n daddy said like her mum yelled you promised! And her daddy saying I'm done with you and calling her a redheaded whore. They said worse things to each other but Erin tried to forget what she heard because it scared her.
They were still arguing when her daddy pulled up to the driveway and mum unbuckled Erin and carried her inside. The night is somewhat of a blur but the clearest part of the night was when Erin's mum called daddy a dirty greedy bastard and he hit her. She was still holding Erin when she was struck across the face and then Erin noticed the same bruise from that same morning and another one forming across her left cheek now. At this point little Erin was wide awake and scared for her life. She has never seen her daddy angry and her mum has never called her daddy such a mean name. There were two different people from the normal parents she had that were always smiling and holding
Her mom yelled at Erin to run to her room and hide in the closet and lock the door. Erin did what she was told and ran as fast as her little legs would carry her and locked the door behind her and dashed into the closet holding her stuffed kitty Snuggles. Tears fell from her little glistening green eyes as she finally saw that things weren't the same. From beyond that locked white wooden door she heard things falling to the floor and shattering into pieces. She heard more nasty things screamed and yelled that made her flinch and squeeze Snuggles really tight with her little fists. Her knuckles were white. If Snuggles were a real kitty instead of a stuffed one then I don't think he would be alive because Erin was squeezing him so tight. At five years old it's hard to comprehend what exactly was going on. Especially since Erin has never seen daddy and mummy act like this before. Just when there was another crash to the floor there was complete utter silence all of a sudden. Just then, Erin had enough courage to get up shakily from the confines of her closet and slink to the door with Snuggles clutched to her chest. Slowly she twisted the handle to her door to look for either her daddy or mummy. But she didn't see anything. She felt brave enough to open the white wooden door just a wee bit more to see all the things that were broken on her floor. Vases, family pictures, dishes... Mummy would be mad to see her favorite china dishes in pieces on the floor. This won't be good.
Erin eventually stepped out of her room and went to go look for her parents. As she was tiptoeing around the broken objects that layered the floor she stepped in something sticky and red. Why would strawberry jelly be all over the floor? But wait... Only a few feet away from the thought to be strawberry jelly was her daddy laying next to it and her mum sobbing so hard it was silent.
There was a kitchen knife laying next to her weeping mum.
Mummyyyyyy......???? What happened? Erin said with curiousity and fear in her voice.
All her mum did was continue to sob and say I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
........
It's years later and I'm now all grown up. I still have dark red hair and big green eyes. But now those eyes have seen many things. My life has changed and I am no longer that little innocent five year old on a farm with a happy family. History has ways of repeating itself. Boyfriends cheat and husbands have affairs. Family members suffer and there are always stories of abuse running through the neighborhoods. My life took a complete turn around when my mum stabbed daddy. My life started changing the moment my mum knew about the "other lady". I'm not so lucky I grew up like this. But today is the 6th year that I bring a cotton candy to my mum at the state prision. With tears in my eyes I put Snuggles, all torn and wore and discolored into the bottom of my purse. A security blanket I never got rid of. I never got the whole story about what happened to mum and daddy but what I could get out of mum was that daddy had an affair and accused her of his lack of feelings and was abusive. The details of that night are all fuzzy but I will always remember that fear from when I was hiding in my little secluded closet. I will never forget what my daddy's blood looked like or the look on mums face when she had to defend herself and in court and get accused of murder instead of self defense... I understand now.
And now I understand why I don't trust men to this day.
Now I understand that makeup can hide bruises and scars.
Now I understand why I don't believe in luck.
Now I understand why my mum killed daddy for self defense and why she's in jail today.
Now I understand why daddy called me special and unique.
And now YOU understand my story.
Just Peachy- September 25, 2015
You can be the ripest and juiciest peach, but there is always going to be somebody that doesn't like peaches.
And it doesn't fall far from the tree either.
As cliché as that saying is, it's true.
We all are a little messed up from that fall too.
The dents and scars.
The soft spots and and bruises.
Perfectly imperfect yet all misplaced and misconstrued.
Some of us fuzzy.
Some of us a little discolored.
Some of us too soft and others too hard.
Some of us may even turn into blossoms.
Misshapen and each peach a little different we often forget we can't judge by appearance.
Because once you finally get a taste of that peach... You never know.
You might like it.
Don't be afraid to savor that taste or to spit it out.
White Sheets- September 25, 2015
White Sheets.
Tangled between our legs.
She lays her freezing hands on him. He mumbles can you wake me later?
She runs her fingertips from his neck to his chest.
A brisk breeze rustling through the cracked shutter.
She gets up as the daylight bathes her delicate little body.
The rays of sunlight tangling up her body like the now half empty sheets behind her.
The cool chill just prickling her scrunched up face.
A deep breath as she inhales the briskness.
Picking up his shirt off the walnut colored finished wood of the corner reading chair,
She pulls it over her nude dainty shoulders and buttons it up.
The hem barely exposing the cresent moons under her tiny tushy.
Shuffling her sock covered size sixes on the wood floor she slides over to the stove.
The scent of chai tea latte brewing blows through the apartment along with the Autumn wind.
Shivering.
She wipes the sleep from her eyes.
Steam rising from the pot.
The warm rush of milky beige liquid into two white porcelain cups,
One in each hand,
Doddering over to the sleeping figure in the sea of messy white sheets.
He stirs as the aroma of chai reaches his nose.
With a stretch and a sigh he sits up to see his love.
A small smile spreads to his lips as he takes in the view,
His oversized shirt hanging on her small body with her bare legs and tousled blonde hair.
In a swift motion his legs swing over the side of the bed.
Walking over to his dearest, he wraps his arm around her while taking his cups and leads her to the corner chair.
The plush red reading chair with walnut colored finished woods next to the window.
Sitting down he pulls her body to him and snuggles her close.
The gentle wind chilling their bones, making them cuddle closer.
Sharing tea and the beauty of Autumn.
Crinkled white in the background.
Simplicity in essence in the foreground.
Gold- September 23, 2015
Sea of black.
Gold glittering here and there.
Chasing the flicker,
Grasping nothing but air.
Empty handed she walks away with nothing.
The mind can play tricks,
It's not really there.
Hands slap together in desperation to grab onto something.
Pull back so as not to grab the wrong thing.
It's red, hot, and glittering, yet you are mistaken.
Too late from the smoldering flame, hands burning and shaking.
Scars run up and down arms; a reminder.
A story.
A fate.
A destiny.
A nightmare.
A haunting.
A loss...
Hope lost and there's a small spark.
Turn around just in time to see the glittering mark.
Shining from afar.
Don't run too fast it will brighten up your scar.
Yet lighten the scar and fade the mark.
Not too much longer and you won't be in the dark.
Bodily Words- September 22, 2015
I wear the words I write.
Hidden under a veil and sheath from reality.
Not much impact but a small significance in me.
A few words scripted on my body,
They mean so much.
As the day wears on and the sun inches from over head and back unit the ground the words fade.
Everything eventually fades.
Where they fade to is all based on what we believe...
They fade into the skin.
Into my blood stream and circulate through the body.
It's a part of me.
A never ending cycle.
It may not be spoken aloud but inside my body the words ring sound and clear.
They echo from top to bottom.
Fingertip to fingertip.
Little toe to big toe.
Heart to brain...
Heart...
To...
Brain...
Which one will keep those words safe?
Is it even safe?
Am I sane?
I bleed those words.
They fall wet from my eyes and run down my cheeks creating salty streaks.
Freedom of speech.
It's not free if a few words can cost so much.
Ennui- September 22, 2015
Motions
Actions
Numbness
Ennui
Can't feel anything
A spark flutters in my eyes every now and then,
It's not enough to keep the flame glowing.
I'm a shadow in a dark world
Just moving in and out of the picture.
Throw in confusion into the mixture.
Routine.
Schedule.
Just follow it and people will think things are fine.
No one will notice the glare in your eyes,
The glossy look,
The stare in the distance,
The longing,
The yearning.
Moving on with head facing forward.
Just keep walking.
Don't stop.
Don't turn back.
Wearing the colors of my sorrow.
Suffering through the pain.
I want to stay in this dark world where everything is the same.
Bare Rain- September 20, 2015
It's raining outside as I walk in silence.
The rain is pouring down on my head.
It rolled down my arms and dripped off my fingertips.
It falls on my head and soaks into my soft blonde hair making it heavy.
It rolled down my little nose and plopped onto my lips as I taste its fresh
pureness. Thoughts and promises whirling through my mind as my ear
buds blast and Imagine Dragons sing to me. As I get home I stripped
myself and let my damp clothes fall off my frail body and onto the floor.
All I want to do is get in my un-made bed under the covers and sleep some
more. Maybe I'll wake up and things will be good again. Instead I stand
there dripping as goose bumps form on my bare tiny body. My knees
buckle like they used to do, but now I don't have someone to catch me.
I just fall to the floor with my face in my hands. Until next time...
Stampede- September 18, 2015
Their throat is an opened buried place.
A smooth tongue they will use.
There is nothing trustworthy in their mouth.
Yet you want approval to surround you.
My very bones have been disturbed. Standing in front of a stampede of emotions
My soul in yearning.
My heart aching.
My tears make my divan overflow.
My pillow in the early hours of the morning soaking wet.
Salty and damp.
Elephants; grief.
Zebras; anger.
Gazelles; sorrow.
Rhinoceros; fierceness.
Giraffes; shame.
Hooves coming crashing down on the moist dirt.
Trample me and push me down into the earth.
Buried.
Encroached.
Emotions shoved into the ground forever lost.
The animal inside me clawing its self out.
Cage it or let it run free?
Self Numbness- September 18, 2015
Push down to open.
Twist.
POP.
Swallow…
A calm numbness overcomes me.
My muscles relax.
My brain slows.
I’m just floating.
My thoughts have been running a marathon in my head.
My eyes have been cast down and I stand still staring off into the distance.
I just want to get through this.
I can’t stand my own self anymore.
All I want to do is get lost in a realm of sleep and dreams.
Create my own world and wander through the roads that wind around in my head.
I’m empty and my hand is searching for something.
So instead my hand finds a pen and I write til’ my fingertips cramp.
A blank look on my face I just want to slip away for awhile.
But people keep tugging on me keeping me here.
Just let me be.
Run Away- September 18, 2015
I know I'm a burden.
I know I cause trouble.
I know I've made mistakes and hurt people.
But for me, the pain I've caused others is double.
There's a constant need to succeed and reach out.
Like the love I possess is too hard to count.
What's your favorite color of the alphabet on a scale of one to ten?
Mine is my bestfriend.
I know you don't understand and may think I'm writing nonsense.
But to me it makes perfect sense.
The look in their eyes.
The feeling in their hearts.
The tingles down their spines.
In this love story, that's where it all starts.
Mind over matter.
With burdens all scattered.
I give you my hand.
I'll close my eyes and let you lead the way.
Let's run.
Run far away.
To a place beyond the horizon.
A place unseen and away from peering eyes.
Judgmental thoughts and loud cries.
Smother me in kisses.
Drown me in love.
Let's fall down into that darker place and give each other that little shove.
And together we can finally be in peace in that heaven up above.
Find Me in the Stars- September 18, 2015
Humid summer air.
A soft breeze ruffles my blonde hair.
A lonely night walk I look up to the dark skies and notice all the stars out tonight.
To think I haven't seen them in a long while.
Their twinkling lights only appearing on what seems like special occasions.
The neighborhood is quiet and motionless this somber evening.
No one milling about.
No dogs yapping.
And for once no neighbors to hear scream and shout.
To think you aren't that far away.
I could look up at the stars all night and just dream.
I swear they are shining down on me showing me the way to you.
And I wonder if you are seeing them too.
What do you think about?
I know what you tell me.
The usual compliment and I really appreciate it but what do you really want to say?
Is there more?
Do you notice the little things like I do?
How do you think of me?
The stars show me all these meanings and yet I can't connect the dots.
For even Orions belt is too far away.
You don't know this now but there are some things that need to be said.
But if I fall and hurt myself would you fix me?
If I lost myself would you know how to find me?
Would you look upon the horizon or out into the sea?
Or maybe the stars or the bright moon that hangs above you constantly?
Would you run?
Do you know where to find me even if I lose myself?
Search for me and tell me where you would look.
Because my heart is lost and its a precious thing of mine that you took.
Space in Jupiter- September 17, 2015
A windy dark night.
Start the engine and take off.
The transmitting radio waves just trun to white noise to block everything else out.
Speeding down the road all you see is red, white, and brighter red.
If you stare long enough, eventually things start to lose their shape and others just blur together.
Street lights above zoom by like they are running away from you as opposed to you traveling past them.
A green sign that tells me I'm close.
What if everything just vaporized into thin air?
Traveling straight past Jupiter to Saturn.
Maybe even Uranus or Neptune.
Leaving this atmosphere and going farther into space.
Leaving Jupiter and getting farther and farther away from the pasts and things that hold your gravity.
Jumping from star to star and riding upon every wish.
Lies no longer the oxygen you breathe but the freedom of taking off that helmet.
Nothing to hold you back, just the vastness of space.
Find your own alien, your unique being.
Discover not only other life but the life and fight within yourself.
The ball of burning fire in your stars and soul.
Love Addiction- September 17, 2015
We start with an hour and waste the day.
You put your arms around me and I'm home. You touch my lines and I start to explode.
What would you do if you knew I was slipping away.
Would you convince me to stay or would you let everything be as it may?
You and I are done pretending.
I never knew I had that much to give.
I still run, but instead I run right into you.
Your presence lingers here and it won't leave me alone.
Hold me.
The moment passes me by and yet I cant turn away.
When I want to leave there is something that triggers inside me and I can't walk away.
Like magnetism I'm drawn to you.
Your eyes dark and drawn, there's something I just can't make sense of.
It's this addiction that's driving me insane.
I depend in it.
Thrive on it.
Crave it.
Need it....
Need you.
The influential grasp you hold on me is frightening.
The ache to be so far away and the swelling to be with you.
A melancholy feeling.
A love that's dragging me down.
Nothing else compares.
I'm raw.
Vulnerable.
Weak.
You take me in and craddle me in your warmth.
Reassure me everything will be ok.
This too shall pass.
Black birds scarcely flying by.
Freedom.
Fight.
A new start.
Love...
White- September 17, 2015
A day of white.
Bright as the sun.
It seems to glitter in the clear crisp air.
Finding that warmth is her only care.
White are the lies she's been told.
Her life once overlayed in gold.
Yet, he sold his life to the devil she was told.
All in white, the veil she's underneath shades her from the light.
Purity they call it.
Darkness disguised as white, it's all bullshit.
Purged from the nastiness.
Nothing but white.
People as dark as night but souls cleansed until white.
Blue irises, the only things to stand out and make a difference.
White walls and white thoughts.
An endless sea.
Nothing more, white all you can see.
Nothing less than the small hope she does yet possess.
White lips.
White face.
White fingertips.
Crumpled white dress.
Wait... this is a mess.
White teeth.
White foam fizzing out.
Blue now rolled back and turned white.
Now this pure
white
leaks
red...
Tied- September 14, 2015
Tied up by my wrists.
Feet just dangling above the water.
Noose around my neck I can’t breathe.
Take off running only to be yanked by farther than where I started.
The only way to be tied up is tied up with you.
Tried erasing you and letting you go but everything comes back
and splatters in my face.Bruises.
Black and blue.
Purple surrounding my wrists.
Deep cuts from a rope that’s keeping me in place.
Reminders of the mistakes I've made.
Kiss my wrists and find my tender spots.
My arms are already tied above my head.
I have already surrendered.
I wear a white flag.
The look in my eyes tell all.
I need something better to conquer me.
SomeONE to take over me.
Let my arms come down around you.
To the depths of the sea.
But what’s the use of wishing and dreaming.
I’m chasing after a worthless and pointless thing.
I’ll find a way to fight and cut myself free.
This way I’ll just fall into the water below me.
Finally can breathe.
I take that breath.
Bubbles rising to the surface.
And a girl slowly sinking to the bottom to be in bliss.
Lost In Oneself- October 20, 2016
She died
In herself
and in her writing
consumed by the world
all her ambitions swallowing her whole
trying so hard to find herself
she has lost herself completely
Flying- September 14, 2015
Here I am reaching to you.
Body shivering and eyes closing.
So far away I can no longer walk or run.
Getting away was only half the fun.
Now home sick it's your arms I crave the most.
Games that never amount play themselves out.
Flying is my only way to you.
Spread my arms.
Open my wings and will back the tears.
Tell me the way and point me there.
Everything at once I'm facing my fears.
Turbulence and wind rifts the only obstacles I must overcome.
Picturing your face is the only thing giving me the courage.
Get that running start and let out a deep breath.
Let it all out and jump.
Fly to the far reaches of the earth.
No sun to guide me for its the sun I'm heading to.
Eyes wide and feathers fluttering.
No longer caring but building up strength to carry on.
On my way back to you.
Moon- September 14, 2015
Walking on the beach late at night looking for sea turtles or some sort of life.
I look up at the moon shining.
Brilliant and luminous.
If you close one eye and look up at it, it's never bigger than your thumb.
No matter how far apart we are or seem to be I wonder if you ever look up into the night sky and see the same moon as me.
Just knowing we share that much together is comforting.
Each wave is crashing onto one another continuously.
It never stops.
Leaving my mark on this seashore as my little feet make a path going up and down and around to the pier.
To my spot on the sand.
To the waves that move faster and faster towards my toes.
I've written down these precious words.
And as I walk down to the sea I let the water lap up around my ankles and tear out those words and release them.
They float away...
To where they will go I don't know.
Will they sink to the ocean floor to be read by the fishes of the reef?
Or will they wash up to your shore where you will read them?
All I know is that those words belong to the sea now.
I'm free from them and the weight they held on me.
The big moon still shines down on the water and glistens bright.
Just remember this my dear lovely...
We both see the same moons bright radiant light.
Let it bring you back to me.
Walking on the beach late at night looking for sea turtles or some sort of life.
I look up at the moon shining.
Brilliant and luminous.
If you close one eye and look up at it, it's never bigger than your thumb.
No matter how far apart we are or seem to be I wonder if you ever look up into the night sky and see the same moon as me.
Just knowing we share that much together is comforting.
Each wave is crashing onto one another continuously.
It never stops.
Leaving my mark on this seashore as my little feet make a path going up and down and around to the pier.
To my spot on the sand.
To the waves that move faster and faster towards my toes.
I've written down these precious words.
And as I walk down to the sea I let the water lap up around my ankles and tear out those words and release them.
They float away...
To where they will go I don't know.
Will they sink to the ocean floor to be read by the fishes of the reef?
Or will they wash up to your shore where you will read them?
All I know is that those words belong to the sea now.
I'm free from them and the weight they held on me.
The big moon still shines down on the water and glistens bright.
Just remember this my dear lovely...
We both see the same moons bright radiant light.
Let it bring you back to me.
Best Friend- September 14, 2015
She can count how many good friends she has on one hand.
Other than that she's always stuck in her minds wonderland.
Some people call them acquaintances.
Some people call them besties.
I call them my friends and if you want to mess with them you have to go through me.
But there's this one gal that's as pretty as can be.
She's put up with my madness and has always stayed dear to me.
Have you ever heard that attitudes are contagious?
Well she's the type of girl thats attitude is worth catching.
She's got a twinkle in her eye and a smile so bright.
Every day in class she came off almost transmitting her own ray of light.
I can admit I'm not always easy to deal with but this sweet gal was the one to push me up against the wall and tell me to snap out of it.
Leaving history class to talk in the hall,
Or valentines day keeping me company when I fell to my knees and cried about it all.
I trust her as much as she trusts me because when I had those marks she's the one that saw.
I went to her about my deepest secrets and have told her my life.
She's the only one to read my writing journal and read the words I wrote to cut like a knife.
The scars I've made and have she has tended to almost every one.
Like sister to sister she has patched me up until my tears were all done.
I can say I love her there's no doubt about that,
She's always been blossom helping me defeat mojojo in combat.
She has helped me keep my head up and to continue walking down the right path.
To God we both look to keep our friendship in tact.
He has finally blessed me with a bestfriend.
No matter my faults no matter her downfalls.
No matter the tears that pour down my eyes writing this like Niagara falls.
A best friend is rare and she's a precious gem in my life.
She can never be replaced because she's always there for me as I am for her in times of need.
She is my bestest bestest friend indeed!
Null- September 14, 2015
Coffee black and it's white.
Bland noodles chewed at the dinner table.
Walking in and out of doors.
Sitting on chairs and floors.
One foot after another walking down bare hallways.
Mouths moving but no words or sounds uttered.
Faded smiles and empty lifeless hands.
Cold and throbbing.
Eyes blink away blank stares.
People walk around aimlessly with no cares.
Laughter a myth.
And love gone like 1800's blacksmiths.
Pounding on that bright red iron.
What happened to all the color that our emotions put on?
Pull me out from inside.
Isn't it mad without color?
Skin and bones.
Tough and sturdy.
Keeping out everything.
Nothing coming in.
Steady beat.
Drumming.
Pumping.
Blood flowing.
Never stopping.
Dull steady beat.
No stopping...
Beat. Beat. Beat.
Lights- September 14, 2015
Driving
Highway
Right before the street lights come on
This is my favorite time
The sun is almost gone and the sky looks like you can take a spoonful of it into your mouth and let it melt down your throat
Pairs of red in front
And no lights behind to blind you as you look back
Like a reminder to keep looking forward to the future and your destination
Foot to the floor on the accelerator
Don’t slow me down
Don’t tell me what to do
Faster faster faster
Into the darkness as the lights turn on behind me
Too much light
Racing them like they will consume me if I don’t speed up
Don’t let them get you
Beautiful Tragedy- September 14, 2015
My plan,
One of my missions,
Escape reality.
Music is one way out.
But that song…
Brings up too much.
I skip it everyday but today I let it play.
I have the option.
Sink or swim?
If I swim then I’m alone.
If I let myself sink then I’ll be accompanied by the silent shadows of the dark.
It’s darker down there.
Swimming to the shore will only bring problems.
I’ll have to watch other people be happy and live their lives.
People hugging,
People laughing,
People kissing,
People smiling.
I start to swim to the shore but I give up.
But I can’t hold my breath long enough to stay under and visit the darkness.
I can’t keep bobbing up and down.
So I’m making a permanent decision.
Open my mouth.
Let the water come in and fill my lungs to bring me under to the darkness.
It’s warm and welcoming down there.
The water engulfs me and my tears can’t be seen.
My screams are just a dull noise under the surface in the deep.
Lost in the waves above me.
No longer there.
Gone.
No judging.
No trying.
No pain.
No need to breathe.
Here with my shadows and the pain.
Wallowing away.
It’s a beautiful tragedy.
